A Letter to My Mom

Dear Mom,

Nobody, especially teenagers, needs to be told that everything is deep and dark right now. We know, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to live through. I’m not sure if you knew this, but as of 2017, 3.2 Million US teenagers said they had experienced at least one depressive episode in the last 12 months: a very large increase compared to 2 million in 2007. If you look at a 2014 NSDUH study, they found that 13.2% of youth received some sort of mental health services from school in the past year.  Given school closures, that crucial access is now greatly limited or even unavailable to most students. Furthermore, only 36.9% of people suffering from depression receive support at all. As a result, many kids who are in critical need are left without professional support. It’s clear that overwhelmed adults can sometimes hurt more than they help. Several studies I’ve read including ones conducted by the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry suggest that over-involved parents result in higher rates of depression and anxiety in teenagers. 

Mom, don’t look at me like that. 

Additionally, any hostility or criticism at all from parents seems to further cause harm. I know you know that the highly stressful conditions created by extended lockdowns push families into close quarters, which leaves parents to have little choice in being overly attentive to the lives of their children. It is a difficult position for everyone involved, but perhaps worse for the volatile developing brains of teens like me. We know that, for you, this pandemic feels like a smaller blip in your life, but, for kids, it’s really huge. We haven’t lived as long, so we don’t know for sure that things will eventually get better. It’s hard to feel okay when it seems like there is no evidence to back up a return to normalcy.

Given the all-consuming, consequential nature of the pandemic, it’s quite reasonable for students to feel unmotivated, and even depressed right now. It’s important that you understand that Depression is one of the most common mental health disorders in the world, and affects 264 million people globally. The disorder is characterized by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) as two weeks or more of daily sadness, irritability, and fatigue. People suffering from depression may struggle to complete regular day to day tasks such as eating, sleeping, and completing chores. 

The NIMH says that most people with depression need treatment to recover. Unfortunately, this isn’t always as easy as it seems: with insurance, scheduling, and even race as barriers. “Many patient advocacy groups have complained that not enough therapists accept insurance, forcing many of their patients to pay high out-of-pocket rates.” Additionally, being under the age of eighteen creates another set of issues – not only do teens need to find a therapist that will take their parent’s insurance and treat them, but they need to convince their guardians to allow them to seek treatment first. And I know this is a lot to process, but I have a few more things to say.  

Empathy is the easiest and hardest feeling to lean into right now. It’s not difficult to fall into the trap of hopelessness, though, because it’s everywhere. A US Census Bureau survey reported that “About 53% of Americans said they experienced “not being able to stop or control worrying” at least several days during the past week.” Teenagers don’t want our guardians to fall into the same hole, but we need sympathy, and, more importantly, compassion. Depression isn’t an easy fix, going for a walk won’t change that we don’t feel motivated to do much of anything. There are many things that can help that aren’t just counseling or medication. I know you know this, mom, but it’s important that you remember that it’s sometimes very challenging to get through to people suffering from depression. 

Something that has helped me is finding joy in the small things. For example, being excited to greet your dog when you wake up in the morning. Studies show that dogs are proven to help with the loneliness that can come hand in hand with depression. There are many other simple behaviors that are shown to boost mental health. Good hydration is linked to slightly improving symptoms of depression. So, looking forward to the first sip of water in the morning isn’t just about finding joy in small moments, it’s also helping my brain get better.

Another not-so-obvious solution is perhaps encouraging tears: crying is usually perceived as a highly negative experience for children. When in fact, crying is just our body reacting to stressors and behaving accordingly. An article in Psychology Today says this about the subject: “It is good to cry. It is healthy to cry. This helps to emotionally clear sadness and stress. The same article explains that crying starts the creation of endorphins, also known as the “happy hormones” in the body, which is why we calm down so quickly after crying. Parents might choose to encourage crying as a positive release that reduces stress instead of a negative event. 

Mom, these are just a few examples that are backed up by science, but there are thousands of other things for teenagers (and parents) to focus on. Reading, speaking with friends over the phone, playing video games, and listening to music among them. Implementing these habits isn’t supposed to fix the problem instantly, but rather, to improve health in the long run. Even though staying upright may feel impossible right now, learning to improve daily life by focussing on what makes each moment a little more bearable isn’t unattainable. We can get through this if we focus our efforts on compassion and empathy for each other, and most importantly, ourselves.

Thank you for listening, see you in the morning.