“A Love Letter to Pampas Grill”

A Brazilian Paradise in Culver City.

When I need a pick-me-up, some sustenance, and a great bite to eat after a very, very long night, I recommend a therapeutic trip to Pampas Grill. Blast some soothing Carlos Jobim on the way there, before indulging in the act of Pampas grill-ing, which I have down to a science. Pampas is a wonderful Brazilian buffet, where you put on these little plastic gloves to serve yourself. More importantly, it’s one of those places where they slice meat off a skewer and put it on your plate. Truly magical stuff. 

The key to having a satisfactory Pampas experience is to fill your plate up with the maximum amount of food for as little of a buckage as possible, as they will weigh your tray and price you accordingly. It is important that you go into Pampas with poise and self-possession, as it is very easy to end up way in over your head. In fact, it took me at least three trips to Pampas to learn such information, but now I load up my plate with the perfect amount of grub every time. 

Some haters might call Pampas expensive, and I’d say that that’s merely a misconception. Get a hold of yourself. Think about how much money you spend on Doordash. Think about how expensive a coffee and a slice of hit-or-miss banana bread are at Blueys (fourteen bucks for mid-bird food? Please). Now, think about how great it is that you could spend that and $6 more (do the math) for a plate of delicious food fit for a king after you have mastered my expert technique.

You might be thinking, “Wow, Rex, you’re so smart, amazing, and thrifty...how do you order at Bamba Grill or whatever?” Well, I’ll lay it out for you. While I used to think that it was all about skipping the heavier things, which would be easy and true if everything except for the heart of palm salad wasn’t unnecessarily dense. Instead, I’ve developed a new strategy: taking small samples of everything I want so I don’t have to make difficult, life-or-death decisions. 

Here's my Ideal plate; do with this what you will:

• Salpicao— best chicken salad ever, in my humble opinion.

• Braised greens. These are truly insane, perfectly bitter, and pretty light for stewed greens.

• Rice (duh)

• Beans (duh)

• Plantains— so, so good here. Perfectly crispy yet mushy. 

• Roasted Cinnamon-red pineapple. Genuinely the cherry on top of a meal here.

• Guaraná, classic Brazilian soda made from a caffeinated little fruit that grows in the Amazon.

• Pão de Queijo—not my personal forté, but they’re loved, and lightweight, so I’ll throw a couple on the plate hoping I'll understand what the rave is about.

It's hard to go wrong with any of the meats but these are my personal favorites:

• Maminha, a fantastic tri-tip.

• Alcatra

• And, of course, lamb. Can’t go wrong with lamb. 

It should be noted that Pampas is in a somewhat unassuming mall complex, but that doesn't stop a long line of people at the buffet on the weekends. In fact, despite the hefty crowd with exquisite culinary taste, there are always plenty of tables available. 

On a final note, one of the greatest things about Pampas is that it’s somewhat authentic. I would say at least 50% of the conversations I eavesdrop on are in Portuguese (which is kinda frustrating because I have to make up what they're saying in my head).