I Refuse to Be a Unicorn

Has anyone ever heard of the Universal Crazy Hot Scale? Well, I hadn’t either until a white cis gender, homophobic, Trump loving, all American sweetheart told me that his girlfriend was a unicorn. I asked him “what do you mean your girlfriend is a unicorn?” and unfortunately, he told me. 

The Crazy Hot Matrix began when a white middle aged man posted a video on youtube with the intention to explain to young men everywhere how to handle and choose relationships with women. I just want to add—throughout the video, this guy keeps a straight face. The so-called x-axis of this scale gives you (females) your hot rating. The y-axis, your crazy. Let me just pause in my explanation to point out how mortifying this is (for those who agree on and utilize the skills taught in this video) that they only use two factors to determine their relationship partners. Those poor souls clearly have never received full, complex and diverse forms of love. Moving on. The higher on the hot and the lower on the crazy, the better. At baseline, all women are four crazy, because clearly “there is no such thing as a woman who is not at least four crazy.” As we all get periods and go on occasional hysterical nonsensical rants in which all reason flies out the window and we are out to get you (sarcasm implied). Anyone who is below a five hot is considered to be in a man’s “no go zone…we do not hang around and date and marry women who are not, at least in our mind, a five (hot)…we rule this out, life is just better this way.” Ahh, how simple to rule out all the plain Janes, the simple Mary Annes, the sweet Margarets, who will just never amount to much (I say all white female names, as this is clearly a video based in a certain type of white male culture, and I doubt they are addressing females of other races unless those are in the “fun zone” under the exotic category). Just wait until they kick your a** in chess. 

Finally, getting to the point, “unicorns” are used to refer to a rare and elusive type of women who are below a five crazy and above an eight on the Scale. Apparently, “if you find a Unicorn, please capture it safely, keep it alive, [they] would like to study it and maybe look at how to replicate it.” Skipping over how extremely objectifying and alienating it is to be called an imaginary, unrelatable creature if you happen to be beautiful and down to Earth, how weird and somehow not surprising it is to joke about capturing women, and how casually he said this, I wouldn’t want to be called a unicorn because it would condone this man’s universe (get it–Universal Crazy Hot Matrix) and go along with these stupid ratings and assessments that he has made for women. I call them stupid because I think they reduce women to inherently crazy (which has a negative connotation) creatures whose only defining feature is their beauty. 

With tens of blog posts dedicated to the discussion of it, multiple youtube videos, and hundreds of comments, clearly the world is paying attention. In a weird way that almost seems like a parallel universe, every single comment goes along the lines of “this is such good advice,” “the video gets funnier every time I watch it.” When my Boss Bitch Tia told my Homophobic Sweet Heart that it objectified women, he kinda grumbled and moved on. We have got to call them out ladies! I think I am going to get into youtube commenting…

I’ll leave you with their final bit of advice, with some caution to note the homophobic undertones: “now you’ve got to be careful: above an eight hot and below a four crazy, you are probably talking to a dude.”

Now, I love this sweet heart, despite and in some ways because of all his beliefs and who he is, but considering that he truly believed that his girlfriend was a unicorn—that says something. And he would never, I mean NEVER, call his girlfriend a “[insert derogatory term for a transgender female]” even though that would mean that she is less crazy than a four.