May Madness: The Class of 2023 Competes in a Series of Fights

After four years of debates and hypotheticals over winners, this New Roads senior finally decides on a champion. 

Disclaimer: The information/descriptions of each participant do not necessarily reflect facts or personal opinions. 

If there’s anything that anyone knows about the Class of 2023, it is that we have some indescribable desire to fight each other. Yes, you read that right — the New Roads senior class has some pent-up animosity that can only be handled through brutal physical interactions. These fights, some of which are hypothetical (some have actually happened, I have proof), create divides amongst our class, leading to innocent feuds about who would win and under what circumstances. To tackle this problem, I am here to end the debate once and for all and figure out who will be the New Roads Class of 2023 Champion. 

Think of this as New Roads’ March Madness: a single elimination tournament that will be used to determine the New Roads Senior Champion!

ROUND 1: 

(Marlee Turner/The Jaguardian)

To kick off the tournament, we are starting with a total of 26 fighters. Each of these combatants has been hand-selected by myself and other members of the Jaguardian staff. 

Isaac S. vs. Albert L.

In the battle of the tall and long-haired, we have Isaac vs. Albert! Each of the two demonstrates great athleticism and academic achievement, making this round significantly hard to judge. 

Isaac’s general lack of fighting abilities may seem like cause for disqualification, but his ability to somehow pass classes like Physics and Calculus, despite never paying attention, means that his wits must be present somewhere, making me more confident in his chances. This, coupled with his scrappy personality and strength to persevere through a number of rough baseball seasons, gives him a good chance to win this fight. Albert, the only track star to ever step foot on the New Roads campus, is clearly a powerhouse athlete. As a UC Santa Cruz commit, his smarts are obvious, although I question his ability to think on his feet in comparison to Isaac’s quickness and adaptability. After much deliberation, Isaac is declared the winner, due to his commitment to the previously disappointing baseball team and his adaptability.

Henry H. vs. Jacob B.

Henry is arguably one of the better athletes in the graduating class, demonstrating his versatility through his commitment to volleyball and his occasional appearance on the soccer field. I think that his quickness on the court will translate into his fighting abilities. Jacob, the founder of the golf team, is a quieter guy with a fiery streak. His passionate nature is one that would manifest positively in a fight, giving him a solid chance against Henry. While Jacob is quick-witted during arguments in Sean’s class, I think that Henry might still have the edge here. 

Loryn M.. vs. Drake O.

Battle of the basketball team captains! Clearly, both athletes break the scales of strength, making this fight one of wits. Loryn is not only a beast on the court, but also in the classroom, with her quick comebacks and strong opinions. She’s determined and fierce, making her a force to be reckoned with, no matter the opponent. Drake has dominated the basketball court for years, and his skills as a player and team captain would definitely be present in this fight. While this may seem surprising, I honestly think that Loryn’s wits would outshine Drake’s athletic abilities. 

Isabella C. vs. Daniel L.

Isabella, varsity volleyball team captain and top 5 most involved people on campus, is definitely a strong contender against anyone. Her athletic abilities have led the girls’ volleyball team to playoffs on two separate occasions, and her academic abilities have led her overseas to the University of St. Andrews. Daniel is a skilled basketball player and student, who demonstrates a commitment to his passions, leading him to attend the University of Maryland. Although they’re both strong contenders, Isabella is the clear winner of this mashup. 

Bella W. vs. Stella S.

Their names may rhyme, but who will be the victor in this round? Stella has had her hand in many activities and sports throughout her time at New Roads, making her a versatile student and solid fighter. Bella Witt, also known as hall monitor, is an NYU-bound screenwriter/actress known for their hot takes and quick thinking. Although they don’t play any sports, Bella is a professional mosher, equipped with the skills necessary to defend themself against scary men in the pit. Because of this, Bella wins this fight, but not without great effort from Stella. 

Michael R. vs. Carlo D.

In the first edition of Battle of the Band Members, I give you: Michael and Carlo!  The two have fought before, which I will be taking into account, although I think this fight can be judged without it. Michael, the frontman of Tomfoolery, is a fierce competitor, despite his unsuspecting stature. His physical strength is evident as well as his school smarts, which give him the advantage of strategy as he goes against his bandmate. Carlo, the guitarist known for his Jane’s Addiction-inspired stage presence, is a committed student and musician. His musical adaptability will no doubt translate into the fight, but will it be enough to beat Michael? Unfortunately, I don’t think so, but who knows? Maybe Carlo will challenge Michael to a rematch next year at Chapman. 

Jackson C. vs. Diego F.

Tomfoolery Part 2: Diego vs. Jackson! Diego is a baseball player and guitarist. He’s no stranger to baseball-related feuds, but how will he fare against his classmates? As the bassist of Tomfoolery and baseball team captain, Jackson’s unwavering commitment to both shows his determination to win. While his verbal comebacks may sometimes be lacking, Jackson’s athletic ability secures him the victory. 

Nasir Y. vs. Cooper P.

In another friend vs. friend battle, we have Nasir and Cooper! Nasir Young: the basketball player with many aliases is a clear physical threat. His athleticism, coupled with his impressive GPA, makes him near unbeatable. Although calm and typically reserved, I think that Cooper is an unlikely force to be reckoned with. Cooper is quick on his feet, which may give him a slight edge over his opponent. In the end, however, Nasir takes the W. 

Coal IB. vs. Matt B.

To add another name to the baseball team roster, we have Coal, who has no problem showing off his athletic abilities, especially when it comes to fighting his classmates. His confidence may seem like a detriment, although in this case, it seems warranted. Although we haven’t seen him around the halls in a while, Matt Barnes is definitely an integral part of the  Class of 2023. I honestly think that his performance would be an impressive one but, for the sake of future rounds, Coal advances. 

Ava R. vs. Finn B.

What will happen when two long-time best friends take each other on in the fight of a lifetime?  Ava, feisty and opinionated yet calm and collected, is a difficult opponent to beat. Her ambitious nature is a trait that she would undoubtedly demonstrate in a fight. Finn is the UCLA-bound actor whose creativity and academic achievements are likely to give him a strategic advantage, but in this case, it won’t be enough to outdo the sharpness of Ava. 

Mae W. vs. Lia T.

Mae is an actress, musician, fashion icon, and all-around impressive contender. Her creativity gives her an advantage, and her musical theater background ensures some athletic prowess. Lia, another creative, constantly graces the New Roads community with her musicality, specifically, her vocal talents. As best friends with similar interests, this round is difficult to call, although I think that, after a tumultuous battle, Mae would prevail. 

Elijah L. vs. Paige H.

While this may seem like an unlikely pair, I personally would pay to see a fight between these two. Paige, the Bennington-bound writer is definitely on the quieter side, although I’m certain that a fierce competitor exists beneath their calm exterior. Hailing all the way from South Africa, Elijah is a threat that most wouldn’t even dare to challenge. His musical abilities might allow him to wow his opponent before they even stepped in the ring, but once they did, his physical strength would undoubtedly secure him the win… sorry, Paige. 

Nico WK. vs. Sam K.

These two have both proved themselves to be strong fighters, which is why I’m so curious to see how a battle between them would play out. This is a result that I’ve thought about a lot, and due to the strengths unique to each of them- Sam’s scrappy resourcefulness and Nico’s strength- this was a difficult decision to make. Based on physicality, which seems to be the reigning theme of this experiment, I have to go with Nico. 

Norah C. vs. Bash C.

If you think the winner of this fight is obvious, you couldn’t be more wrong. Norah’s mathematical talent gives her the ability to make strategic and calculated moves intended to stump her opponent, in addition to her unwavering motivation. While he may be a multi-sport athlete, Norah’s academic advantage is likely to lead to the fall of Bash. 

ROUND 2: 

(Marlee Turner/The Jaguardian)

So now that we’ve cut the group in half, it’s time to move on to the second round, with new pairings. 

Jackson vs. Isaac

Between the team captain and the guy who probably should’ve been co-captain, I think that this fight is a difficult one to judge. After much deliberation, I think that Jackson’s stamina will secure him the win, as Isaac would probably get bored after the first rounds of punches. 

Bella vs. Isabella 

It’s time for… the battle of the Bellas! While both Bellas are equally academic and athletic, I think that Bella Witt’s unique moshing skills make them a more confident and ambitious fighter. Because of this, Bella Witt takes the match. 

Henry vs. Nasir

Both Henry and Nasir are athletes and have big egos when it comes to their physical abilities. This fight is so evenly matched that it is basically impossible for me to pick a winner. Because of that, I decided to call this a draw and allow them both to advance to the next round. 

Ava vs. Loryn 

In another fight between best friends, this is truly an even match, despite what you may think. Loryn wins this one, but Ava would undoubtedly put up a good fight. 

Coal vs. Mae

This fight has the potential to be the most entertaining to watch of them all: Mae’s positive attitude and impressive abilities against Coal’s athleticism and willingness to fight. As of now, I would say that Coal wins, although I think a rematch would be necessary to determine the true victor. 

Nico vs. Elijah

What will happen when two of the (arguably) toughest competitors face each other? Honestly, this is a hard one to call, but I think that height plays a major role, which secures Elijah the win. 

Michael vs. Norah 

Norah proved herself in the last round as a strong contender, although when matched against Michael, I think her reign may be over. 

ROUND 3: QUARTER-FINALS

(Marlee Turner/The Jaguardian)

Jackson vs. Coal

This pairing was a special request, with the winner being agreed upon by both parties. While both baseball players are strong physically, Coal’s tactical fighting style clears Jackson.

Bella vs. Elijah 

All hail your prom queen and king! I honestly think the result here is obvious and without much room for interpretation. If it wasn’t already clear, Bella wins the match. 

Michael vs. Nasir 

Again, the victor is clear. Unfortunately for Michael, his musical talents won’t be enough to take Nasir down. 

Henry vs. Loryn 

And finally, the fight of the most contention and a subconscious inspiration for this article: Henry vs Loryn. I have asked about half the seniors, random underclassmen, and even teachers how they thought this fight would play out, and unfortunately, it’s split down the middle. Some think that Henry’s strength puts him at a clear advantage, and others think that Loryn’s tactical and maniacal approach would prevail (I agree). In my completely unbiased opinion, Loryn wins! (Sorry, Henry…)

ROUND 4: SEMI-FINALS

(Marlee Turner/The Jaguardian)

Loryn vs. Bella 

Now we have the battle of the best friends and, in my opinion, two of the strongest contenders in the whole competition. Again, Loryn is a physical threat with a determination to win. Bella’s killer instinct would definitely be present in this round, and unfortunately might be the fall of Loryn. 

(Marlee Turner/The Jaguardian)

Bella and Loryn duke it out!

Coal vs. Nasir 

Coal vs. Nasir is another fight that I would pay to see for a multitude of reasons. While they both have refined athletic abilities and similar tactical strategies, I think that Nasir would have a slight edge. His fighting style is straightforward and always effective, so I have a hard time believing that the round could go any other way.

ROUND 5: FINAL 

Nasir vs. Bella

If you haven’t already learned, the person who you think is going to win probably won’t, and this round is no different. On paper, Nasir may seem like the obvious winner, but let’s think realistically. Bella surprised us throughout the competition, so I am confident that they would put up a strong fight. 

Out of 26 participants, Bella Witt is our winner and the New Roads Senior Champion! I don’t think there’s much to elaborate on here, as Bella has consistently proved themself to be a strong fighter and unlikely contender. Congratulations, Bella for being the winner in this experiment!

(Marlee Turner/The Jaguardian)

Bella Witt, Prom Queen, Hall Monitor, and Champion Fighter!