Satire Issue: Screen Slaver

After a week of in person classes, one senior knows that there’s no place like home…. there’s no place like home… there’s no place..

Now that we’ve been invited back on campus, it’s finally time to take those first steps towards reentering the academic world. As the news came out that New Roads would be entering into hybrid learning, students and teachers alike expressed their excitement about getting back on campus. Still, in-person learning has helped this senior come to another realization: that home is where the heart is (and my bed, robe, and TV). 

Stay in Your Lane 

“Tsk Tsk” says an administrator as I reach for the door handle. 

“Follow the arrows,” she adds.

“But, Piazzola is two steps away!” 

She redirects me to a route that wraps around campus and easily adds an extra eighty seconds to my day. 

During my walk, the only thoughts of substance I have are the ones wishing I could be a Zoomie… forever. 

Source of Life

Spitting, spurting, and leaky, the fountain of youth has served her purpose and now runs dry. Drops of water trickle out the spout, teasing students looking to cure their dry, parched throats. How I long to be in my kitchen pouring myself a tall glass of filtered water, perfectly cold and crisp from the fridge.

VIPS Only 

A full bladder and the need for a moment alone. The bathroom has provided privacy and safety that all of us know very well. After an exhausting, day-long academic schedule lasting two hours and one large energy drink, a girl has to go. Half a foot steps into the bathroom when I hear “Read the sign ladies, there’s too many of you in there.” Familiar words from a vape-filled past, but not when there’s three people in completely different stalls. I wish I was home. Not in a stall. Not with old people telling me when I can or can’t pee. I miss my bathroom, with one toilet that I can sit on for hours while I take my classes, without anyone telling me otherwise. 

Bird of Prey 

It watches me, it follows my every move and projects my face onto a screen for all my peers to see. It tracks my voice. It knows me. I am never alone with my thoughts when she is around. Always on high alert, because she knows. She knows too much. As long as I am on campus, she owns me. I wish I never met her. It’s too late for that now. For I am a worm, and she is an early bird.