Satire Issue: Woman Prepares Spaghetti Bolognese

A local woman researches ingredients, shops for, and cooks spaghetti bolognese. 

Bristol Farms remained populated for most of the day, but one customer stood out: Yesterday morning, Savannah Firman entered the Santa Monica grocery store to secure ingredients for spaghetti bolognese. According to recipe website Jo Cooks, the meal is composed of 1 lb of spaghetti, olive oil, meat, onion, garlic, oregano, and some “additional flavorings.”

Firman’s process of shopping for and preparing the classic Italian dish was confirmed through interviews with her roommate, Fatima Adel, as well as Farms grocery cashier, Joseph. 

“I always tune in [to watch Firman prepare meals],” Adel said. “It’s like watching the Super Bowl, except it’s a bowl of food.” She went on to describe that – although she does not eat often with her roommate — the spaghetti bolognese was “wonderful…you know, just absolutely amazing.” 

Firman came home with one bag, filled with ingredients — a bag ready to become a single serving of spaghetti bolognese. But it wasn’t the ingredients that stood out to Adel. Rather, it appears that the dish was elevated by Firman’s own cooking flair. 

“I’ve never seen anyone follow a such a simple recipe and turn it into dinner. Never. It blew me away – completely.”

While not the first to shop at a local grocery store for spaghetti bolognese, Firman is the first to do so with the intention of shopping only for ingredients dedicated to a single dish meant to be eaten in a single sitting.

Firman entered the store at around 2:32pm. Almost immediately, Joseph recalled, she was searching for “a very particular set of items – [she] came up to me and asked if we had any tomato sauce.” 

Mercifully, Bristol Farms did.

“I would have recommended some freshly cut tomato slices, squeeze in some lemon, maybe mix up the meat… like, a plant-based option,” Joseph said. “I also would’ve added some parmesan cheese, or some vegan parmesan. Can’t go wrong with either of those!”

According to Joseph, the tomato slices and lemon juice “add a lot of flavor… the lemon definitely adds zest. But I’m not the one doing the cooking here, right? Whatever the case, I’m sure the dish turned out A-OK.”

Lemon was the one ingredient Firman did not buy. “But other than that,” Joseph added, “I think she did pretty well.”

Fatima, for one, certainly agrees.