Big Beverly’s Watching (Satire)

A concerned resident of Beverly Hills advocates for more ways to protect their neighborhood.

To combat a rise in crime, the Beverly Hills Police Department has increased surveillance with more security cameras. This is a fantastic opportunity to keep our neighborhood crime-free. People should not have to fear being robbed or losing their life when they are out in their neighborhood. Increased surveillance is a marvelous way to ensure that police officers are able to investigate suspicious activity to prevent crime and to catch delinquents before they strike again.

However, in the opinion of many Beverly Hillers, the BHPD has not gone far enough. In order to protect residents, outside-of-the-box answers are essential. A thief might be hiding in one’s freezer or living in one’s basement. This leads locals to yearn for cameras in freezers or just banning all freezers and refrigerators if they are so potentially dangerous.

One of the major reasons why cameras in shops do not work is that they are placed at extreme heights to the point that criminals can evade the ceiling cameras by looking down. Store owners want to ensure that cameras are not in the faces of buyers. Additional security cameras should be installed on the floors of all retail stores, and when one is damaged, it is likely that a crime will have been committed. Store owners will now have cameras that can easily detect shoes and see what kind of footwear the perpetrator wears, which can then be matched to loafers captured on camera at other locations.

Outlawing looking down should be the City’s number one priority. Starting on July 1, 2022, when “A Downward Look Means That in a Crime You Partook” takes effect, everyone that is a patriot and cares about the security of Beverly Hills will be free to call the police immediately after witnessing a Shoe Gazing incident. The officers will speedily drive over to the scene especially since there will be an increase by 900% and will take the perpetrator away for an indefinite period of time.

Being imprisoned is a terrifying thought for many people. Never fear… now, there is a minimally invasive procedure that only requires a 2 by 4 and two screws. The top of the 2 by 4 is screwed to one’s chin and the other end is fixed to the sternum. In a controlled study, it’s been found that the most common side effects of the procedure are a complete loss of jaw, disintegration of the sternum with ribs now impaling one’s chest, and a mild cough.

General ground rules should be set around those who think they can resist looking down. First, it is imperative that people memorize what they are wearing every morning, so that if someone comments on their outfit, they will not have the urge to glance at their attire and be immediately placed on a no fly list and put on house arrest…the jailhouse.

Another typical reason for looking down is tying one’s shoes. This is why laced shoes will be banned in Beverly Hills effective July 1, 2022. The Sneaker Peeker will be a group of 50% of the existing police force, as well as eight thousand new law enforcement personnel tasked with stopping and peeking to make sure that there are no dreaded laced shoes in this precious city.

There will also be eight laced shoe burning stations in all of the novel border stations with velcroed shoes awaiting anyone with laced shoes or loafers arriving in Beverly Hills.

If the Beverly Hills Police Department listens to their constituents and ramps up its surveillance efforts, Beverly Hills can become the safest city in the world. Our city will become a welcoming and safe haven for anyone living in a high crime area. Frightened foreigners will be able to feel welcomed with the new signs on the outskirts of the City bearing the motto: “Come for the Luxury, Stay for the Peace of Mind.”