Decals, Delirium, and Drives

The bumper stickers of the Westside just might be as complex as the minds of the drivers.

With a wayward eye, people can witness daily the diamonds that are the whimsical decals cluttering the bumpers of Angelenos throughout the highway. Whether onlookers’ first response is one of disgust, joy, fear, or laughter, bumper stickers are essential to light up the lives of drivers stuck in traffic.

From politics to obscure references, decal owners love that they can express themselves, advocate for issues they care about, or get a quick giggle from the driver behind them as commuters stress over work, traffic, and even other bumper stickers.

Riding in the passenger seat driving along Centinela in bumper-to-bumper traffic, I have been able to be entertained by the very same bumpers (and drivers!) that bring annoyance to an already stressful situation. Even if I disagree or am dismayed by a certain sticker, I still am thankful for its thought-provoking nature

(Photo by Sam Cozolino / The Jaguardian)

A possible pivot for this Prius C driver would be to condense the over a dozen stickers (the decals continue on the sides of the car) to, at most, one – their favorite character. Instead of everyone yelling yikes! a few people can develop a silent yet mental bond while stuck in traffic. Both drivers experience elation because they are not alone in their love of the character in question. Getting out of fantasy land and into reality, if I were to pass this car as a pedestrian, I would run for the hills, even if those hills are filled with coyotes.

(Photo by Sam Cozolino / The Jaguardian)

God-fearing drivers will drive nine miles behind this Toyota owner because fender-bendering them would leave all involved frozen in a maze of their own design. Hyper Christians may not like the decal, but the Bible cannot fight a gang of bikers, even if this particular decal is nothing more than the branding of an online clothing company— which it is! Despite its small size, this bumper sticker is very powerful.

(Photo by Rex Podunovich / The Jaguardian)

This Kia driver is able to profess their religious values and grammatical expertise in one fell swoop. However, it seems as though there could be a more inclusive and successful bumper sticker that conveys the same point. Faith in oneself transcends religion because God is within us, so isn’t trusting in oneself putting God in charge? Whatever the message might be, it is undermined by the presence of Mary Kay; and while the intention of empowering women is a noble cause— the MLM is a Ponzi scheme.

(Photo by Sam Cozolino / The Jaguardian)

Who Dat? Dat is someone who is in dire need of a carwash. Who Dat? Dat is a driver who loves their Saints in a town of Rams fans. Who Dat? Dat is someone who knows to pinch the tail and suck the head. And dat heart may beat for the Post-Katrina community, but New Orleanians know when it is time to dip their whips in the bayou so the car is as shiny as the silver spoons at Antoine’s.

(Photo by Lucy Dehnert / The Jaguardian)

It is no wonder why these dust gatherers are still on the shelf, it takes a lot to lug yourself all the way to the ole general store in search of a gag. Bearing this bumper sticker will sink the resale value of the car as soon as it’s affixed. And it is only going to get laughs from other drivers if someone has the mix of stupidity, bravery, and wit needed to buy one of these bumper stickers. That same twisted soul probably knows this joke by heart:

“On a rural road, a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: ‘Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?’ To which the farmer replied: ‘Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!’”