High School Seniors Across the Globe Catch a Mysterious Illness

By Claire Demoff '26 and Bodhi Milano '26

Symptoms include long stretches of illness, stomach aches, and headaches– careful, this ruthless virus is on the hunt

BREAKING UPDATE: SENIORITIS HAS STARTED SPREADING TO UNDERCLASSMEN AS WELL. SCIENTISTS HAVE FOUND NO KNOWN CURE, OTHER THAN EARLY PREVENTION. ONCE YOU’VE GOT IT, THERE IS NO GOING BACK. 

As senior year rolls around, many 12th graders (if not all of them, rare is the breed who fends off this persistent disease), fall prey to an illness that causes them to miss lots of school. They submit record excused absence requests and claim to have a variety of acute symptoms. 

Most commonly, these seniors have headaches and stomach problems. They often occur quite suddenly and without obvious explanation. Disturbingly, these spontaneous sicknesses will happen on a random day in the middle of the school week, and students will return to school the next day perfectly healthy. In particular, these seem to occur on the day of a test or quiz. 

“It just hits you all at once. You’ve never felt it, and then suddenly it's all you think about,” says New Roads Senior David Dar. Clearly, it’s giving alien possession vibes. 

Strawberry Açaí Refresher, food for the plague (Photographs: Sasha W. and Josie D.)

Some seniors experience unusual cravings for very specific Starbucks orders. In fact, their cravings are so intense that they drive large distances during lunch to acquire their order, and often arrive back to class halfway through the period.  

“I’ve felt an even bigger desire to listen to music during school hours, which is crazy coming from me,” says New Roads High School Senior Declan O’Brien. Perhaps these seniors are tuning out the constant pain in their bodies with… auditory relaxation techniques?

Many seniors are also experiencing family issues. As a consequence of being constantly ill, they are often irritable and would love to spend their time bedrotting, instead of doing chores or socializing with their family members. 

(Photograph: X)

“It is often joked about, but the affliction is real and has consequences,” says an article from EBSCO. Teachers are even taking a stand on social media to express their concerns. 

This viral disease presents a serious problem. It is clearly long-lasting and might very well be a relative of mono (considering the months-long exhaustion that most seniors experience). Recent statistics have shown record drops in class attendance across the globe. 

And it's unfortunate, but these seniors have a lot to do. They have to spend time with friends before college, maintain grades, worry about their future, get jobs, and plan vacations.

Two seniors with acute senioritis, demonstrating their symptoms loud and proud (Photograph: Bodhi M.)

As such, if you are a senior, you must act. Early detection is crucial in combating this extremely infectious disease. If you experience any of these symptoms, call your administrator or seek help now: 

Skipping Town Hall 

You find yourself oversleeping and missing Town Hall often, or worse– intentionally skipping.

Changes in Study Habits

An acute lack of motivation, which results in not studying or skipping assignments altogether.

Missing and Late Work 

Like above, but more serious. Finding yourself skipping assignments or waiting to do them after the deadline has passed. 

Tardiness

Showing up to class late, as a result of oversleeping or, in some extreme circumstances, simply showing up late of your own free will. 

Truancy 

The most serious of symptoms. Finding yourself simply skipping classes or the entire school day altogether. If you feel this coming on, seek help, as some cases can be fatal.