Letters to the Editor

Some surprisingly personal letters to The Jaguardian’s Editor-in-Chief, Liam Waldman.

From Inbal Waldman…

It all started when he thought he wanted to be a chef and I became his personal sous chef and personal Uber driver. But he’s really good at telling you how to spend your money, where to eat, where to shop, what to do; and he will give a session of styling that comes with a really good price, and will make you take the subway in NY like native New Yorker. Basically, he will organize your life!!!! But the one thing you shouldn’t do is leave Liam hungry – I wouldn’t want to be around him if he doesn’t start his morning with Maru coffee.

Oh Liam, we all need Liam in our life.

Love,

Mom

From Jeff Guckert…

Dear Mr. Editor,

As your prior and temporary Chemistry teacher, I feel that it is imperative that I write to offer you a little advice. I feel that you have simply not lived up to your potential. You earned a 98% during my tenure, but with a little more effort I know that you could have better. Your daily contributions to class demonstrated that you were interested and knowledgeable, with an ability to quickly grasp new concepts, and you earned 100% on every homework assignment, quiz and test; however, your lack of total commitment was evident when you handed one of your homework assignments in TWO HOURS LATE! I know that you had been working on college applications and your QuestBridge Scholarship application (congrats on that, btw), and you were busy trying to save the planet with your work in the Human Rights Watch Student Task Force, and your attention was sometimes given to your independent study project; however, moving forward, if you really want to succeed in life, remember to always hand in your chemistry homework ON TIME!

Just trying to help,

Jeff

From Sebastian Blue (former editor-in-chief)…

Dear Liam,

I hope this letter finds you well! I’m sure you’ve been very busy at The Jaguardian, what with all the newsworthy things happening in New Roads lately. I’m sorry I haven’t been around to help out, but I’ve been busy, too – with my new job as editor-in-chief of The New York Times!

It’s a pretty big deal, and I’m sure you’ll be hearing about it in the news. Anyway, I wanted to write and congratulate you on your success with the newspaper. I’ve been keeping tabs on you, and I have to say, I’m impressed.

You’ve really taken it to the next level. I remember when I was editor-in-chief, and we were just a ragtag group of kids trying to find stories that people actually cared about. Nowadays, it seems like The Jaguardian is the one setting the trends.

Of course, I can’t help but feel a little rivalry towards you. After all, I used to be the editor-in-chief. But I’m happy to see that the paper is in good hands, and I’m sure you’ll continue to do great things with it. Keep up the good work, and maybe one day you’ll be editor-in-chief of The New York Times, too!

By the way, I wanted to let you know that I hired an AI to write this letter for me. I hope you don’t mind. I just didn’t have the time to write it myself.

Sincerely,

Sebastian Blue

Written by the real Artificial Intelligence, “GPT-3” …no…really, it was.

From Mr. Cleveland…

Dear Liam,

Congratulations on your upcoming retirement from The Jaguardian. I have a sense of how that must feel. You’ll miss most of us, though not all of the staff will miss you.

I’m proud and a bit surprised by how far you’ve come as a student and editor. Having had you only in your freshman year, it wasn’t clear that you could actually read and write.

Best of luck to all of your future endeavors. Having been asked to write a letter like this, my only advice for your future successes is to pick better friends!!

Love,

Mr. Cleveland

From Max Waldman…

Hello, Brother. You may have tortured me for the past fifteen and a half years of my life but this torture will not go on. You are going to Wesleyan on a full-ride scholarship and yet you failed geometry 4 times. And are we gonna talk about your math grade, by the way? Anyway, the fact that your music taste went from some of the best artists like Kanye and SZA to horrible music like Athènes by Muddy Monk (which is in a language you don’t understand) and ABC by Park Hye Jin. Where do you even find these songs? It’s like you put yourself in a dungeon and scoured the internet for the most obscure songs possible to mankind. And speaking about mankind, how in the world did Mr. Cleveland’s final note on your report card read “you tried your best but it wasn’t enough.” You tried your best but you still got a C in that class, which is just sad. Speaking of sadness, I really don’t understand how you’re so likable. At home you just sit in your room on your computer all day and demand things from your throne. For example, the second you get home you go to the bathroom because you have Crohn’s and sit there on your phone for forty-five minutes, then you walk into your room and lock the door. The only time I see you at home is when I need help with writing or when you come to tell me to do my homework.

Lastly, I would like everybody reading this to take note of how bad of a brother Liam is: the only thing he has ever done for me is nothing; he “helps” me with homework. He didn’t get me a birthday present after I spent half of my money getting him a pair of AirPods three years ago and he still hasn’t gotten me anything, and on top of that he demands his beauty sleep in the car and, by doing so, denies my right to legroom.