Lose the F, Boy

Back in September, at a Yom Kippur breakfast with family friends, I was playing tag with an eight year old, who I have known since he was born. Let’s call him Timmy. As everyone was getting ready to leave, Timmy was chasing me, and while I was taking a break to drink some much needed water, Timmy hit my water bottle, spilling it on me. A dad from another family, not mine or Timmy’s, let’s call him John, witnessed the child’s callous insensitivity. John immediately said, “Timmy, that’s not how you treat a girl.” When challenging John on this stance, he insisted to me that boys will play roughly no matter what, but they should not act like that around girls. Before I could break down the deeply problematic undertones that come with this statement, my parents were telling me that we had to go, but it got me thinking. This is a prime example of the mindset that comes along with chivalry, but this, as well as the very notion of chivalry itself, is one that many people, including myself, are rejecting more and more. So the real question is not “Is chivalry dead?” but “Should it be?”

So what is chivalry? Is it a knight in shining armor galloping in to save a fair lady from a monster? Merriam-Webster says it is the “mounted men-at-arms of old.” The origins of chivalry do come from this time period. The concept was first created in order to keep knights in check. These men, who based their entire worth on their ability to not get knocked over by a stick, were becoming increasingly dangerous and volatile, so chivalry was used to encourage less ungentlemanly behavior. It also just happened to be used as a code for how to treat noble ladies. This playbook for knights did not include common women, who were still fair game for sexual assault. The modern day definition of chivalry comes from 19th century romantics adapting old stories of these allegedly chivalric knights, and has since then been a sort of “code of honor” for how men should behave around women.

Modern day chivalry can be seen in a variety of places and instances. I’ll admit, some chivalric actions are nice and make a girl feel good, but how do we separate the good from the bad?

Instances of chivalry can be separated into a few categories. Some “chivalric” actions are just common decency. They are things that we should be doing anyways, not for a certain gender, and not in a certain situation. Calling someone when you say you will, that’s not even chivalry, it’s just good form. You should always want to be in a relationship, romantic or otherwise, with someone who is nice to your parents. And if they don’t buy you a birthday present, sorry to break it to you, but you’re dating a jerk. These actions should not be put on a pedestal as something that only the best of men can do, they should be seen as a social norms that all should follow, and removed from the category of chivalry all together.

Sometimes chivalry is necessary, but that doesn’t mean I want it to be. Certain chivalrous actions are needed in order to maintain a woman’s safety, which plays into greater societal issues. This includes calling to make sure you got home safe and walking you to your front door. I should not need an escort at night, but if I don’t have one, I am much more likely to be catcalled or attacked. Keeping someone safe shouldn’t be performed with the type of bravado that comes with men thinking they are being a savior. I should not need my dad to accompany me to Venice Beach to take pictures for a photography assignment, but I do. It’s a sad reality, but a true one, which men are not often aware of. These acts of chivalry, while sometimes needed, should not be paraded about as if the man has performed some heroic deed by walking close to a woman at night. They should be understood as a result of a separate issue, one where a man believes that performing these acts will lead to a sexual reward from a damsel in distress.

The most common types of chivalrous actions are unnecessary and demeaning as well. Women are capable of assembling Ikea furniture by themselves, and a man’s insistence on doing the job for her makes her seem more fragile, delicate, weak, and incapable. Forget about paying the bill on the first date – that should be long dead. Just save the money, you’re going to need it for your online sexual harassment training course. If you’re next to the car door, sure, open it, but don’t run around the car just to prove that the auto lock works. Being out of breath from a two second jog is never a good look.

(Illustration by Liam Waldman / New Roads School)

One very negative result of modern day chivalry is the “nice guy” trope. For those who are uniformed, the “nice guy” is someone who believes that he deserves romantic or sexual attention because he is kind and decent to a woman. Here’s how it goes: Unsuspecting Woman is at a bar grabbing a drink after a long day at work. Stereotypical Douchebag immediately starts hitting on her, despite obvious rejections. Nice Guy sees this exchange and decides to intercede. Nice Guy pretends to be Unsuspecting Woman’s boyfriend, and Stereotypical Douchebag eventually leaves in a huff. Nice Guy now tries to get with Unsuspecting Woman, since his kindness to her must mean he deserves to be compensated. Unsuspecting Woman rejects his advances, and Nice Guy becomes volatile enough to be kicked out the bar. So, is chivalry dead? Clearly not. It is still something that is widely practiced today. But the real question is should chivalry be dead? That’s a tough one, boys. Maybe you want to be a misogynistic caricature of a man. Maybe you think women are attracted to a relic of a patriarchal society who believes they are unable to complete menial tasks like opening a door. Chivalry is a concept of the past, and if you want to marry a 1950’s housewife, no one can stop you, except the laws of time. But if you want to join the present with the rest of us, maybe you should woman up and split the check.