N(r)FL

If New Roads ever manages to escape the pits of toddler-league sports, and also somehow gets into the NFL, and also somehow…well, let’s get on with it…

Obviously, you kinda need a roster, so here is the official New Roads starting offense for the upcoming ‘22-23 season:

Firstly, where do you start? Everyone knows.

The star. The play-caller. The man behind every little thought.

Brady.

Brees.

Rodgers.

New Roads School needs its very own star. Out comes…

QB1– Art Bell

A former Heisman winner, in 2021 he set the single-season record for rushing yards while being second in touchdowns. His elite game-reading makes him almost unstoppable. A type of versatility that the CIF has not seen since Eric Cleveland’s prime days back in ‘34. Three years in the league, three MVPs. Elite.

RB– Ayton Grace

Literally just here because he is tall. I mean, come on, who’s gonna tackle a 7-foot-two rookie? Shows promise and potential and is quite well-rounded, although injury-prone. If he plays his cards right, he might just be the star RB for a long while. Not because of skill, but you don’t exactly need it when you’re this tall.

WR1– Solomon Gibbs

A rapid, intelligent, and scary receiver. Gibbs had a slow and hard debut season in the league , but almost 10 years later and he is now by far the best wideout in a very long time. Has developed an amazing synergy with star TE, Jude Landesman.

WR2– Olivia Mione

Captain of the volleyball team turned WR2 under intense coaching. Intelligent, very versatile, but sometimes forgets to catch the football and spikes it instead.

WR3– Jack Adams

He ain’t exactly fast. Nor strong. Nor that special, really. But the thing with Jack is that he gets his way with people– including the coach. The man is not serviceable or consistent at all. In fact, Adams somehow managed to complete a very miserable 18.65 40 yard dash at the combine (a time beaten by a toddler in the elementary school, but she can’t legally play until 9th grade).

TE1– Jude Landesman

Need I say anything? There is no competition at TE1, not for the team, not for the league. Fun Fact: 86% of Landesman’s opponents cry at half-time.

TE2– Isabella Carbonari

Bella knows ball. Unfortunately, you need to do more than just ‘know ball’ to be on the team. Being above three feet helps too, but I guess nobody’s perfect.

LT– Sean Brookes

Smart. Strong. Would kill anyone in his path, if he wanted to. He also gives great hugs. Channels the power of Stalin to block.

LG– Michael Winetsky

He’s just here for fun. Didn’t really want to play, but had to because of injuries to Tim Power. Fun fact: He also cries watching Landesman play, but they’re tears of joy (probably.)

C– Kathy

Small, yet tough and hard. She scratches her opponents, but gets away with it because you can’t punish a grandma.

RG– Aloka Gent

Somehow has a PFF grade over 150. Has not let a single QB pressure get past him in 9 years. Fun Fact: The 14% who don’t cry because of Landesman cry because of Aloka.

RT– Ron

Sneaky fast, especially when he’s making change. A standout at his position, nicknamed, “The Truck.”

K– Zaraya Jordan

The very first kicker ever picked in the first round. Rumors going around camp are that she can kick over 95 yards with her left leg. Unfortunately, the NFL had to ban her right leg because too many birds got injured.

COACH – Jimmy ‘Belichick’ Morrissey

A recent hire for the Jaguars after former coach Larry Friedman’s release in 2019, Morrissey has settled in superbly. The defense is, well, ‘questionable’ to say the least but Morrissey’s Jags have averaged a jaw-dropping 38.5 points per game since 2020. Enough for a stunning overall record of 39-8-1 over the past three seasons.