Newroads Student Philip Nazzal Starts Cult: “Pro-Capitalist Commune”

A junior tries his hand at turning Newroads school towards a capitalist utopia with his new ideology.

Frustrated with the lack of capitalism at New Roads, junior Philip Nazzal has begun preaching his new ideology in an attempt to turn the school into a capitalist utopia. He calls his new ideology “Philipism” and seeks to create a “Pro-Capitalist Commune”, a place where money-making is prized above all else.

Under this new ideology, followers can’t give anything away for free, be communist or socialist, and most importantly, they must always obey Philip, for he has absolute authority in the cult. “They can do a lot of things, as long as they don't try to do anything that hurts me or anyone else,” Nazzal said. In Philipism, members must aim to “make as much money as possible while stepping over as many people as possible.”

Philipism preaches to be very inclusive. According to Nazzal, “Everyone deserves to make money no matter who they are … just as long as you’re not a commie.”

As the cult’s leader, Philip also proclaims that all members must clap slowly whenever he finishes speaking. They must be careful to clap in sync however, for Philip has “very sensitive ears”.

The cult also centers around Adam Smith, a Scottish philosopher and economist best known for his concept of the “invisible hand”, articulated in his 1776 work The Wealth of Nations. He is considered the father of modern capitalism, and is integral to Philipism’s ideology. “We have to all worship the greatest person of all time, Adam Smith,” Nazzal said. In Philipism, there are annual celebrations where followers chant “the invisible hand carries us” in hopes that Smith blesses the cult to “have a very prosperous stock year”. 

During its annual Smith-centered celebrations, there is also a costume contest to determine the best Adam Smith costume. Whoever wins receives a generous additional three hours of vacation time per year, as opposed to the usual one allotted. 

Notably, followers must also wear a top hat and monocle forever after they turn one year old. Non-followers, in Philipism, are known as “slackers”. Philipism is centered on hard work, after all, and non-followers clearly haven’t dedicated themselves to that pursuit. Furthermore, as a member, you can’t slack off, unless you’re Philip — although he says he’s “just kidding” about that last part. 

Philipism endeavors to rid itself of anything communist or socialist. After all, as Philip questions, “What's the point of life if you don't make money?”