Satire Issue: A Brave New Vaccine

Ed’s Note: This article was flagged for removal due to concerns related to the eternal argument surrounding free will — that said, it’s a nice read. 

Despite widespread concern, the latest form of mind control from Overlord Bill Gates may actually lead to many good results.

For the past year, the global buzz has been about the COVID-19 vaccine, something which has been heralded as a promise for the future by some, a necessary tool to be wary of by more, and an attempt at dictatorial hegemony by others. 

“Dictatorial hegemony?” you might ask. Why would a vaccine be a ploy for a global takeover? Well the answer is quite obvious. All of the past vaccines have taken nearly a decade of testing, experimenting, and certification to be approved for use. But the wonderful COVID-19 vaccine took only one year, and less than that. They say it uses mRNA technology, reprogramming the body to be immune to the virus. Indeed, reprogramming—that’s the rub for many. Rewriting the rules of the human body, tricking the laws of nature, as it were, all done in less than a year. 

Such an impressive work accomplished not by some foundation for medical care, or a coalition for combating disease, but by the most benevolent entities of all: our corporations! Behold the loving and wise Pfizer, the compassionate and kind Moderna, the tenderhearted and gracious Johnson & Johnson. Nevermind they’ve endangered the lives of men and women and children for the sake of money, have contributed to the dilemma of overmedication and addiction, and view human beings as currency covered with flesh and bones. What matters is that they’ve had a change of heart. Their love for man, philanthropy as the Greeks call it, has won them over.

Of course this all comes after decades of good work done by the folks down at NATO and UN, who are supremely concerned with uniting and protecting the people across the world, by gaining access to every single bit and iota of their private information. 

The pieces are coming together, the dots are being connected. A wave of change is coming and a change that is necessary. The world will become one, united under one power, governed by one needle, injected into the dominant arm after a swab of alcohol. 

Who or what is powering this change? Well again, it’s quite obvious… it’s everyone and everything with money! The corporations who solemnly and wisely rule our governments, and the technocrats who wisely wield the power of the almighty dollar over the world. Behold, Global General Mark Zuckerberg, Prince of the World Jeff Bezos, Ruler of Legions Elon Musk, and Supreme Overlord Bill Gates. They hold the power, and in their love, they extend this power to us. Of course whether it is to us or over us isn’t relevant. It’s being shared. 

Now, there are some of our more ignorant readers who may doubt the veracity of these well-proven claims. This is, of course, to be expected. The mighty legion of the Supreme Overlord, out of concern that we might be too preoccupied with this change, has employed the use of the all-powerful media to ease our concerns and supply us with remedies for our possible preoccupations. Our brethren elite who live in the darkened crevices of Hollywood, supply us with wonderful and magnificent distractions so that our mind might be buzzed with a pleasurable deadening of the senses. 

So to those who doubt, I will supply a few out of the hundreds of sources I’ve accumulated. I start by revealing to you my first source, Mr. Hooded Man. A person who strongly prefers to dwell in anonymity, I first met Mr. Man at a seance I attended in Hollywood, where, as you might guess, he was hooded in a black robe. I feel quite dizzy and blurry when I’m around him, and often see people who others can’t see, but I’ve come to see him as a very reliable man. He tells me that the wave of change that is being brought about by our friends in high places is quite real and is for our benefit. He assures me that when it does happen, I’ll be seeing him a lot more often. 

The biggest source you will want to hear from are the discoveries of reputable scientist Dr. Probably Credible. Dr. Credible, who got his M.D. at Unlikely A-School University, has spent his time studying the COVID-19 virus and the vaccine, and has concluded that the vaccine holds within it a wonderful surprise.

According to Dr. Credible, the vaccine being spread contains within it a chip. Of course, I was initially skeptical. Why would a potato chip have to be placed inside the human body? But my skepticism was put to rest when I was told that it was not a potato chip, but rather a computer microchip. This chip, designed by Ruler of Legions Elon Musk and Global General Zuckerberg with the supervision of the Supreme Overlord Bill Gates, contains many special attributes that the human being is endowed with. 

The greatest attribute is that the human will be reprogrammed to understand the wisdom of the greater rulers and their vassals, the royal corporations. They will learn to set their priorities in order, to acknowledge and honor the powers of the world. 

This is the evidence set, for those who deny its veracity. There is only one more thing left, and that is to address those who denounce this wave of change as a tide of evil, who believe that this is to the detriment of humanity. These people have gone so far as to call this beautiful agenda “demonic.” They don’t want to participate in this luxurious and careful process of mind control that our overseers have granted us. 

But they don’t understand that for the first time in human history, we have an opportunity to permanently, once and for all, bring an end to all problems, to all evil, to all pain and suffering. We can do so by attacking the problem from the root. What is the cause of all wars, of all evil in the world? The answer is human will. 

Human will, human volition, this diseased and parasitic idea of independence, has always been an enemy to the world from the dawn of time. Since the beginning, man is conscious of his existence as an individual or an “I” and he is simultaneously conscious of the “other.” There lies a foreign and different body of existence, someone who isn’t us, with a separate will. Inevitably, the “I” and the “other” becomes the “I” versus the “other.” 

A competition of existence, a vying of the wills, is the source of the pains which humans inflict upon each other, resulting in murder. 

Ultimately, even natural pain and disease is the result of the human will. It is the human individual consciousness, desiring to live, to get well, which fights against the natural tendency of the body to wither away, resulting in the sorrow and pain of human reality. 

For thousands of years, humans have tried to overcome this hurdle of human will by trying to align their wills. They establish communities, they have fellowship. But these communities always fracture: they bicker, they fight, they wither away just like the individuals. 

But think of a world in which all of humanity was placed under a single will. Consider what would happen if everyone that fought against each other, no longer had anything to fight for. In that moment, all wars would be finished, all enmity would be forever destroyed. Humans would no longer fear pain or death, for they had experienced perfect assimilation, an inner death of the ego, the absorption of their consciousness into a collective mind. They would become now vessels, neither fighting nor complying with anything, always submissive to the tendencies of the world. 

Isn’t this the dream which John Lennon had? No countries, nothing to kill or die for, no heaven or hell? We sang it for decades on end, but now is the time when dreams become reality. 

Society would progress exponentially without any hindrance, as Artificial Intelligence does all the work in bringing us to a state in which we can be perpetually preserved through the virtual realm. 

All of this, bought and ransomed by the price of a virus. A great suffering is given to bring about a great peace. The ancients understood this in some antiquated sense. What we are endeavoring to bring about is simply a Pax Romana part two. Sure, people will die, they’ll rebel, they’ll do all sorts of things, but the powers that were always there, will ensure that what will come, will come in due time. 

Behold my brethren, a vaccine, a small and humble needle, with a limpid but most potent solution. It is like so many before it, but more brave, more new. All it takes is for you to imagine.