Satire Issue: Garcetti Promises to Deliver 3000 Additional Homeless People by 2022

Wiam Laldman | May 12, 2021

In the midst of the largest housing crisis in the United States, Los Angeles has been seeking approaches to end its homelessness problem. Under the advice of a broad coalition of experts and donors, Garcetti has proposed his latest solution: housing equality. The mayor has described his new stance by stating, “the problem with homelessness has long been defined by the fact that there is an imbalance between the number of L.A. residents who are housed, and the number of those who aren’t. Housing justice is the crux of equality – which can namely be achieved by reaching housing equality. By increasing the number of homeless people in L.A., we can reach an equilibrium of housing justice, something that has never been done before.”

A fundamental part of Garcetti’s housing equality initiative is the rise in unhoused people citywide. One would think that attempting to make more people homeless would be difficult, but for Garcetti’s chief advisor Gabriel Cortez, “the first way that we can increase that number [of homeless people] is by discontinuing the building of low-income housing, often favoring wealthy developers and international investors.” Even more importantly, being homeless can also be re-marketed as a favorable lifestyle option. Los Angeles Urban Planner Jennie Cohen added, “By making sure that all public transport converges at the coast, we can effectively promote the beach as an ideal location for the unhoused population. It makes sense, especially when noting that most beaches have public bathrooms and showers. The beach is prime real estate for the unhoused.” Using quantitative figures from the past seven years, Garcetti estimates that he can guarantee at least 3000 new homeless people by next year in what he calls a “major turning point” for the city.

Fences practically set the stage for the where influx of homeless people may reside. (Farry Liedman / News Road)

We often think of homelessness as an occurrence that happens out of thin air, when in reality, Vanderbilt researchers recently concluded that it can be artificially manufactured. In the past ten years, homelessness has actually fallen nationally, while still rising drastically in larger and wealthier cities. This points to a correlation between expensive housing and the lack of people being housed. Homeless people then turn to other solutions, often temporary ones, such as living in cars and surviving on Costco samples. Recognizing this pattern, Garcetti has forgone the need to build housing and has instead proposed widespread efforts to promote car living and scheduled tasting sessions. Garcetti explains, “I would love to live in a car! Imagine living in a nice mid-century Porsche with those retro wooden cubbies. If you really think about it, right, cars can have small kitchens…you can make a de-facto bathroom or use a public one. There’s ample space to sleep, and it’s easy to go anywhere! I mean, they’re basically houses.” To support his newest idea, Garcetti explained that “LA’s helpful Honda dealers have agreed to gift the city 200 random acts of kindness!”

These safe havens for the unhoused will be expanded through Garcetti’s housing justice initiative. (Farry Liedman / News Road)

In preparation for the 2028 Olympics, Garcetti has converged the homelessness initiative with plans for the Olympics infrastructure, to serve the needs of both projects. “The Olympics require more transportation, and our homelessness equality project requires less housing; so, who’s to say we can’t do both?” Garcetti asks, as his team of city planners and engineers have recognized the need to increase transportation and decrease traffic. With the Olympics drawing in a global crowd, the city is keen on reforming the current state of transportation.

Following the fatal death of a pedestrian who was killed by a metro train while crossing the street in Culver City just last week, Garcetti issued a memo saying that “we mourn for the tragic loss of life, and seeing as we [the city of Los Angeles] are responsible for the Metro, we are also unfortunately responsible for the total death of a reckless pedestrian. Because of this incident, we are leading a full-scale investigation into halting construction of new Metro stations and trains, and are proactively looking for alternate solutions.” The emergency stoppage of new Metro lines being built opens up an opportunity for Garcetti’s homelessness equality initiative. He told us that “freeways are the backbone of Los Angeles; an iconic symbol of our freedoms. It’s been years since we’ve built and expanded our freeways, and it’s about time we get it done.” Building these new freeways would likely permanently displace people from their homes, thus providing the influx of homeless people necessary to fulfill Garcetti’s goal. A win-win, for the mayor and for the city.

Sarah Bitzby, professor of Urbanism at USC, said that “it’s ridiculous to build more freeways. These freeways are not only unnecessary, but will likely roll through residential and urban areas that provide desperately needed housing.” That criticism seems to have been overlooked by local government, as County Supervisor Member Kathryn Barger quips, “certain neighborhoods are too busy anyways. Why do we even need a Koreatown — we don’t live in Korea!” Regardless, building new freeways will likely lead to more underpasses, which have long served as a refuge for the unhoused in the face of blistering summer heat and occasional winter snow, elements that will now be unleashed in all their fury.

Mayor Garcetti’s proposal to increase the number of homeless people by at least 3000 will require a herculean effort to displace and price out as many as possible. His efforts will lead to what he terms “housing justice,” and in the face of the upcoming Olympics, his efforts may be sparsely objected to.