Satire Issue: Horse S**t Working Conditions Attract Bullish Investors

Driscoll’s stock triples in value after first quarter report reveals sub-standard treatment of employees.

Making a first quarter push to increase revenue and its corporate public profile, Driscoll’s, a California-based berry distributor already known for use of questionable pesticides and exploitation of its workforce, decided to double down — treating potential shareholders to a behind-the-scenes exclusive tour of their deplorable and entirely unethical facilities.

“After realizing how little of their budget goes into paying their workers, we figured it would be a great time to make our money work,” one prominent Wall Street magnate commented after witnessing a scrawny worker faint of heatstroke due to refusal of water in 90 degree weather.

“It’s good for us to see that our money has potential to grow in a place where there’s such disregard for human rights and livable wages. That’s a guarantee… a guarantee that my money will be working for me and only me.”

Last summer, instead of going to a good-old-fashioned movie with a friend, thousands of teens took to the streets of social media, acting all woke n’ stuff, and criticizing Driscoll’s for “cutting corners.” It’s an outrageous claim, especially considering that each box of strawberries — picked at a livable wage of $1.90 a box — glistens under light and is sprayed with water five times a day in stores to guarantee freshness.

“Our view is this,” a Driscoll’s representative said while absentmindedly checking his Fit Bit, “We’re motivating our employees to work harder for the good things in life! If we were to raise their wages to an outrageous number, say $15 dollars an hour, these peons wouldn’t understand that in order to succeed in life, they need to work a little harder for it.”

Another obscenely rich kabillionare shared the same sentiment when asked why he invested in Driscoll’s: “As someone who feels a deep sense of responsibility for those who’re worse off than I, it simply feels like the reasonable thing to do, especially considering their motivational meetings that encourage workers to pick faster in exchange for sunscreen and masks.”

When asked about claims that Driscoll’s is actively pursuing anti-human rights avenues to unleash on their workforce, the unnamed tycoon (who is also named in pending sexual misconduct case) became red in the face, spurting, “I’ve heard nothing of the sort! What an outrageous allegation!”