Satire Issue: Local Dog Doesn’t Miss Hand That Feeds Him

Owner’s return to in-person learning leaves Buster home alone, at last.

After a year of remote education, a local LA dog is finally home alone as his owner begins leaving for in-person school. “It’s nice to have some space. I can only handle so much cuddling and smothering. Now I can sleep on the bed without someone rolling around next to me,” Buster says, lying down on his owner’s freshly-washed sheets. “Plus I get to poop on the carpet again – without being yelled at in the middle of it. I was so tired of having to go outside to just do my business. Grass is pointy! It doesn’t have the cushiness that I’m looking for,” he noted. “I do kinda miss the way that the house smells of Clorox when Derek always finds out.”

Neighborhood animals aren’t as pleased about the new changes. “I’m not fond of Buster’s free time,” Dr. Cupcake Quackle Babykins, the neighbor’s cat who resides across the street from Buster commented. “I valued my ability to roam the neighborhood’s rooftops without having to deal with this butt-sniffing pest of an animal, yapping at me from his backyard. Without an owner busying him – all their high-pitched ‘aw, aren’t you adorable(s)?’ – he has just too much free will.”

Another nearby cat, Porky, disagrees with Dr. Babykins’ discontent. “When Derek was at home, he liked to take all these walks to get some Vitamin D and get out of the house for his mental health – or whatever – and he always brought Buster with him. These were daily walks, you understand? On a daily basis. I had to be on edge whenever I was ambling around. Who knew when a scruffy, loud, obnoxious dog would turn the corner and try to take me home as dinner? My therapist says it’s a big factor of stress in my life,” Porky said. “Now that Derek’s gone, Buster stays in his backyard, away from the rest of us. I love it. I may even stop taking my Xanax. Life’s looking brighter already.”

When approached for a comment, Derek seemed to think our reporters were “crazy” when informed that his dog had already been interviewed. “Get away from me!” he said, citing concerns about the lucidity of an interviewer who had apparently just spoken with domesticated animals.

“I’ve got my life back!” Buster said, full of relief. “I greet Derek when he comes in and feeds me. That’s all the interaction I need. I chose him as my owner for the big house and the 360 views. And it’s only fair that I get to enjoy all that in peace.”