Satire Issue: Men Suuuper Peeved About Women Hating Them (Despite Being Cause of Every Problem Ever)

As women speak out against centuries of systemic oppression and abuse, men find themselves incurring unfair expectations to just literally be decent human beings. Some are upset.

Since the dawn of civilized society, men have been ruining everything all the time always. From taking an evening stroll to basic morality, men are known to make everything terrible. Until recently, men have enjoyed a complete and utter lack of culpability for the global toxic environment that they have fostered. However, armed with fourth-wave feminist powers of observation, women have begun to realize that every single bad thing in their lives is the direct result of a man’s actions. This has been suuuper annoying and inconvenient for men, who now have to occasionally hear about how terrible they are while they continue to ruin everything all the time.

“I’m a feminist,” says Justin Chaddington, resident man. “But I just feel like women are being super uncool when they say that men should be held accountable for their actions.” Indeed, holding men accountable is a completely new concept for humanity. “It’s just so much harder to be a man nowadays,” he explained after being told that he can’t give a full-on pelvic exam every time he hugs a woman.

Women have also been, like, so not sick and just overall lame about what they truly want from men. “First it’s like, don’t abuse women. That I can get onboard with. But then it’s like, I have to tell my friends to stop abusing women? Like, at a certain point, it’s just too much.”

It’s also been majorly not tubular for men to watch women appropriately react to the constant threat that a violent patriarchy poses. “I carry pepper spray and am trained in some basic martial arts,” says Socorro Park, average woman, in her blog about female safety. Chaddington had some thoughts on Park’s publication. “Obviously she’s judging all men by the actions of the vast majority of us, and that’s just not chill.”

This new age of basic respect has presented many irritating challenges for men, such as literally just recognizing when women are being harassed. Park addressed this in her infamous “Dear Men” blog post from 2017: “With all of these new allegations of sexual misconduct coming out about famous men, I hope that ordinary men can start to acknowledge the misogynist things they witness on a daily basis.” Chaddington read this post when it was first published and promptly doxxed Park for her wildly unrealistic expectations. “I’m not a woman — how am I supposed to know when all of these microaggressions are happening?” he said, while his buddy Jonah dragged an unconscious woman into a bedroom. Moments later, his “Saturdays are for the Boys” group chat pinged with several nudes that one of its members had received from his girlfriend in confidence. “Ah, gross! I mean the least she could do is shave.” Chaddington then saved the photos and forwarded them to several other similarly-named group chats. “Anyways, it’s not like I have some magical power that lets me know when something subtly misogynistic happens.”

Of course, men are still paid more and respected more and generally just lead easier lives than women. But it’s still supes not hype for them to sometimes briefly hear about how awful they are. “It’s like women are trying to give us all this angst about how we’re inadequate. So unfair — we would never do that to them!”