Satire Issue: “Think of the Children!” – Meet the Adults who are Legally Sanctioned to Stare At Your Kids’ Genitalia!

The Fairness in Women’s Sports Act is designed to keep sporting cisgendered. It may start going between the legs to make sure. 

Maurice Lesterman stands at 6’4, he prefers to go by Moe, and, after a forty-four year period of retirement, he’s back in employment at Kadahochee High School in Kadahochee, Idaho. 

Before his retirement, which was taken by request of the school, Maurice Lesterman worked as the school’s football coach from the period of 1983 to 1988. He remembers the time fondly: “It was great stuff. You and your students would all be showering in the locker room, u-undressed. Uh. After every game, even after practice, I’d get to give all my boys a nice ‘extra-low five.’ That’s the athlete’s term for when you go and smack  your boys on the rear. I-I mean, when athlete’s touch or, uh, smack each other on the rear. You know, it’s a good, great, good time…When you do that to them. I mean, it’s like a way of saying ‘good job, kid, I am in love with you’ or, uh…I love the sport, too. Love throwing around the pigskin. Baseball! I mean, Golf. I mean, Football. Yeah, Football. ”

The Fairness in Women’s Sports Act, and bills like it, have been making their rounds throughout the United States – with more than two dozen states signing them into place. In the state of Idaho, the Fairness in Women’s Sports Act is in full effect, being passed as House Bill 500. In Florida, all it has left to do is be signed into place by Governor DeSantis, already in support of the bill. In California, candidate for governor Caitlyn Jenner has expressed an interest in imposing such policies, if elected. The bill itself not only works so that an athlete must compete on the sports team that is tied to the gender to which they were assigned at birth,  but also sees to it that – if an athlete’s biological sex is disputed – it can be confirmed by, among other things, “…a health examination and consent form…” (https://www.flsenate.gov/Session/Bill/2021/1475/BillText/c1/PDF )

Enter Maurice Lesterman’s new job at Kadahochee – health examiner, colloquially referred to as “Inspector Genitals.” His job is simple – he has a small office, more so a desk and a chair, in the school nurse’s office and, when it does become necessary, athletes are sent to him with a consent form and the health examiner “checks” them. “It’s a great job for me,” Lesterman says. “I’m – I mean, I was – a tennis coach. Part of that kind of thing, coaching, is really being vigilant about a child’s body. Evaluating them and stuff. Now I-I’m just evaluating somewhere very specific…a-and I’m allowed to do it, too. I’m allowed to do it. It’s normal now. The school is letting me do it.”

When asked for confirmation that Coach Lesterman was, in fact, wholly permitted to inspect the genitalia of the school’s student athletes, Principal Damien Ullard was quick to confirm it was the case, saying, “Yes, we are allowing Coach Moe Lesterman to inspect the genitalia of our students for everybody’s safety and benefit. House Bill 500 is very important in protecting the fairness of women’s sports. Some may be uncomfortable with the government making policies which essentially say gender is tied to sex, citing concerns that it may have a maleffect on the mental wellbeing of trans youth. Others simply may not like that their child has to sacrifice a profound degree of privacy for the sake of pursuing a career in athletics. What matters the most though is that I am willing to make this sacrifice, as a school principal there is something I must always put before the wellbeing and comfort of my students and that is the quality of our sportsmanship on the field.”