So…Two Idiots Walk Into The Window

A (nearly) well-known and (entirely) hostile provocateur and his “manny driver” serve up some of the quickest spots to grab a meal and get back to class (almost) on time. 

The Window at American Beauty

Drive: 15 minutes

Cost: Affordable

Recommendation: Order Ahead.

Advice: Bring some napkins to eat in car.

Max

The food was delightful and having to shovel it in my face while being scared of being late for Ted’s class (which I was) added excitement and deliciousness to the wonderfully crispy fries. The burger was filled with onions, sliced thin, and grilled. The bun is pure bliss, a Martin’s potato bun: soft and fluffy, filled with preservatives. The kale salad is tangy, minty and generously sprinkled with Parmigiano Reggiano, and for 7 dollars, the salad can’t be beat. Wouldn’t suggest the lemonade, the aftertaste was off; that problem can be fixed with a half lemonade half sprite.

Jack

Look, folks. Getting here will be tough. Max had to run a few stop signs to arrive on time. But boy was it worth it. It really brings you back to the days of old when you were young, wanted a hamburger, and were also extremely annoying…like yesterday. The burger itself was soft, the bun was warm, the cheese gooey. And even better for a cheapskate like me, not very expensive. 5 bucks for a burger is pretty damn good. If you want to go on a date, I highly recommend The Window. It’s cheap, a good deal, and it’s good enough to make your partner happy. Plus it’s got a great make-out environment. That’s what I call a win-win. I will make one note. The Coke is terrible. As a Coca-Cola connoisseur, I think it’s an outrage that they charge 4 dollars for a can of soda. There isn’t even a soda fountain. Don’t expect a good drink here — bottom line.

Editor’s note: Max confirms that the cost of a can of soda at The Window is $1.95.

Erewhon

Drive: 5 minutes

Cost: It’s Erewhon, what do you think?

Recommendation: Get the samples!

Advice: Get someone else to pay.

Jack

Do your parents have access to your credit card bills? If so, maybe Erewhon is not the best place to eat. No one can really justify how much Erewhon charges. For a bottle of water, it’s 5 dollars. No joke. That water better have been siphoned directly from an arctic glacier off the Amalfi Coast for god’s sake. But amidst all the expense, there are some hidden secrets at Erewhon. One that you need your old pal, Jack Adams, to help you figure out. Tip one: Get the pizza. Sure, it’s 7 dollars a slice, but at least you don’t have to go to community college after you spend your college savings buying some sushi. Second recommendation: Get your behind over to the premade section; they have a lot of the same goods as the gourmet, but it’s a ton cheaper and a bit colder. The final suggestion: Get the samples. They give out as many as you want and believe me, I’ve pushed the sampling to the limit. Just something to think about. The last thing I’ll say about Erewhon is that it’s got free snacks and drinks for those who valet. But don’t be fooled. The snacks are those products that never sell and they have to give out as they are about to expire. About 1 in every 20 snacks is a good one. And even that is just a health bar.

Max

Where do we even start with Erewhon? If you want decent cafeteria food at soul-ripping prices there is no better place; A plate is $25. The chicken tenders are always dry as well, so if you’re forced to eat here, get dark meat or beef. The octopus and fennel is surprisingly delicious. I’ll pray for you if you want a drink because nothing is less than $4.50. If you must quench your thirst, get Space Tea, or, they have this Watermelon-Mint-Cucumber-Drink that isn’t terrible; it’s even in a glass bottle, so it’s eco-friendly or something. The trick for Erewhon is to a) not think about the prices, or b) get your rich friends to pay for you. If you opt for either of these choices, you’ll end up with a mediocre meal, but it won’t make you cry after.

Tartine

Drive: 7 minutes

Cost: About Blueys level.

Recommendation: Get the sandwiches and the pastries.

Advice: Sit indoors.

Jack

First of all, I’ll say this. If you’re sick of Blueys, don’t come over to Tartine because it’s Blueys 2.0. It’s everything like Blueys — primarily a cafe, where a mixture of rich old people and hipsters go to get their pastries and coffee- but better. But don’t worry, it does have some fantastic lunch options. The hidden secret is the sandwiches in the fridge. Now that’s lunch. The tuna sandwich is fantastic. It almost rivals Fromin’s deli. Emphasis on almost. I am a Friend of Fromin’s. I digress. Sit indoors! If you venture outside you’ll be attacked by a myriad of bees and flies. For some reason, a moron thought it would be a good idea to put a botanical garden outside of a cafe serving honey-infused tea. The insects are plague-worthy. Also, a note: the directions to the bathroom are not clear and you may need to ask a worker there. The service is impeccable, the food delectable, and it really isn’t that far of a drive.

Max

Tartine can’t be beat. As a San Francisco import, their pastries and bread are top-tier. Even more so, these guys know their ham, and I mean it. Get the ham sandwich with cheese and honey butter. Although some bites of the sandwich are dry, the ham itself will be the best of your young, immature life. They source it from Benton’s Smoky Mountain Country Hams all the way in Tennessee. (Order 4 pounds of their bacon online). The smokiness and saltiness perfectly cut the richness and the sweetness of the cheese and butter. You also can’t go wrong with ordering off of their menu, but beware: you’ll probably be late for your next class, so only do that if you have class with Sean after lunch. Make sure you get a pastry with your sandwich, you’ll be missing out on the full experience if you dine without dessert.

(If you wind up falling in love with Benton’s, come find me, and I’ll talk to you about it. I’m serious).

Prime Pizza

Drive: 4 minutes

Cost: Not awful.

Recommendation: Get one square, one normal.

Advice: Good place for an off-campus beginner.

Jack

As the president of the Italian Club, there is one thing I know a lot about that isn’t just gabagool: Pizza pizza. As the grandson of an Italian grandmother who peppered us with pizza-making drills since I was five years old, I am an expert. In fact, many people have said that pizza sauce runs through my blood. This pizza is great. The pepperoni is crispy, the bread crunchy, and the cheese, chewy. It really is incredible. And while you are there, you will presumably run into Martin Freeman, No, not the actor from The (British) Office but our very own New Roads Alum. The whole vibe is great. The service is quick and nice. All 10s from me.

Max

Prime is a tried and true classic. You can make it there and back, round trip, in under 10 minutes if you’ve got something else going on during lunch. Their pizza is great and they use my favorite flour brand, King Arthur (they’re a co-op that makes unbleached flour that tastes like real bread). Prime’s crust is chewy, and, most of the time, well-browned. 4 out of 5 times you go it’ll be perfect, but some days the pizza is just off; the crust can be pale and the sauce just a little bland. Make sure you add spicy honey and hot sauce on top. Just trust me.

Bay Cities Deli

Drive: 9 minutes

Cost: $12

Recommendation: Godmother (HOT) with the works.

Advice: Take the 10, not Olympic.

Jack

Talk about Italian, now this place is a classic. Get yourself a sandwich, but if you want to get funky, trust me a little. Go over to the hot foods section. What many amateur Bay Cities patrons don’t know is that you don’t need to take a number for the hot foods, unlike the deli counter. But don’t overdo it, folks. Too many people abusing the hot foods section may force them to put the archaic number collecting system there too. Once you’re ready to order, get yourself the meatloaf or the chicken parm. You will be in for a treat. And if they ask you if you want extra sauce, don’t turn it down. If you do, don’t even think about talking to me. And of course, if a car passes you by, don’t forget to yell, “I’m walkin’ here!”

Max

Bay Cities is a Santa Monica institution for a reason. The Godmother with the works, hot, can be grabbed out of a fridge all ready to go. They have great drinks and if you’re lucky you can snag a fresh loaf of bread hot out of the oven. They have a good selection of drinks and even have weird Italian ones. Don’t wait at the deli for your lunch: you will be late.