The Best Places to Take a Big Dump on Campus, as Told By the New Roads Serial Pooper

The Jaguardian’s first-ever anonymous post!

Regardless of how this is published, my identity as the New Roads Serial Shi**er cannot be secured: this is for the mere reason that I can easily be slimmed down between a man, woman, or non-binary individual. Luckily, I lack shame: I cannot be tied down– and I will not stop pooping at school. 

I would like to preface this article with the utmost respect for the disabled and transgender population of New Roads School. Sometimes, when you have to poop, it’s really bad. Even if you are an individual who menstruates, this article may one day be helpful: diva cups are mighty handy, but need to be cleaned out every 12 hours. 

1. The second floor restroom, near the office of Rachel Rayos. 

No one goes in here. And adults do not carry the same scruples around public pooping; so the stalls are a safe bet. Beyond that, though, is the holy grail of New Roads restrooms: the accessible stall. Perfectly clean, air-conditioned, and a mirror to check yourself out. If it’s a particularly meaty journey for you, there’s even a handlebar to hold onto for dear life. I go in here about three to four times a week: aside from the occasional vaper, it’s always empty. 10/10. 

2. The third floor bathrooms, near the Coalition and costume shop. 

No one really knows what the Coalition does, but boy, do they have a nice bathroom. Someone was even courteous enough to put an air freshening spray in this one, by the pads and tampons. For the class-cutters among us, beware of Antonia, but this is a pretty safe bet. There’s even a big sign on them, left over from Covid: one at a time! In the third floor bathrooms, no one can hear you scream. Or poop. 8.5/10. 

3. Bluey’s bathroom. 

Underclassmen, take notes. The Bluey’s bathroom is covertly tucked away by the kitchen, so many do not even know it’s there. But it’s got a fine ambiance, including a skillful South Park drawing by the toilet. Recommend buying a coffee or something for this tactic, but that automatically comes with admission to one of the best single-stall bathrooms “on campus.” Be prepared for a slightly-open window, but no one can really see you through it. Expensive method, too. 8/10.

4. Middle School Teacher’s lounge. 

I once took a poop in here. Magical experience. Would recommend for everyone, at least once. They have deodorant in there, too. 10/10.

5. Elementary School Bathroom 

Old reliable. Smells like poop all the time because this is the one everyone uses to poop. Don’t do this to those poor kids. Or Tara. Or Matt. If you’re in a pinch, go ahead. It’s just not the most pleasant experience. 7/10.

6. Moss Theater Bathrooms 

Seriously, can freshmen stop hanging out in here? 4/10.

7. Regular breezeway bathrooms 

Dark ages-level technology. The lights randomly go out. You have to sit in silence and pray no one comes in and hears your plopping. The gender-neutral bathrooms have a 25% chance of trapping said student inside. Defunct vape detectors that make it impossible to focus in Alexandra or Jeremiah’s class. 3/10.