The Female Manipulator

Watch out for these 10 warning signs… trust me, I would know.

Now, the main talk of the town (the internet) is all about the male manipulator and what makes someone one. Like if a guy tells you his favorite film is Fight Club or Donnie Darko, then you should run. Or if he listens to Radiohead or some other whiny guys in a band. But honestly, what I believe we fail to address as a society is what to look out for in a female manipulator. Because they exist, they are vicious, and they will drop you right when you ask to be their boyfriends.

1. Her Letterboxd Top Four

Honestly, this is very telling.  Something to be wary of is any stop-motion film, anything by Vincent Gallo, Harmony Korine, or anything with James Spader in it that’s a bit… sexual (the bar is set high dude). She's clearly trying to convince you that her movie taste is “superior” to yours. But if you want some good movie recs, check out my Letterboxd! https://letterboxd.com/laylakolahi/

2. Her style

Ballet flats, funky tights, button choker, side-parted hair with colorful hair clips— have you ever even seen that before? Dark-colored clothing, eyeliner (ALWAYS), mismatched patterns, occasionally dark-washed baggy jeans, belts made by her father, graphic fitted tees, the same two necklaces, and a rotation of different skirts. Obviously very manipulative. But it's so good…

3. Her piercing setup

If she has facial piercings to begin with, honestly, that's the first sign. But if she has an eyebrow piercing, followed by a side nostril, and then a side lip, you should probably ask her where she got her inspiration from. Then she'll probably say, “oh idk I just like it like this,” or mention Jade from Victorious, or any Nana character. The setup may seem cute and artsy, but think about it. Why would she go through that physical pain just to look cool? Did she even feel anything?

4. She likes weird-looking celebrities

Now, when you ask her who her celebrity crush is, why on earth would she say Bob Dylan over Brad Pitt? She doesn’t think it's insane to say that, because she preaches that “everyone is beautiful!” She likes messy hair, often greasy, and lopsided features. She claims to like these things because they are “unique” and “lovable.” She says she's fighting the social norm of only ever giving hot guys any chances. Performative activism? I think so.

5. She LOVES her cats…like a lot

She has a lot of cats. Trust me. Honestly, she probably has four of them. One that’s a ragdoll, one that’s a munchkin, one that’s black, and one that’s a white calico thingy that she found in a parking lot. She likes that they’re all different and talks to all of them in a different way (honestly could be some sort of witchery). If you don’t like her cats, she probably won’t like you… even if you try to explain that you’re just allergic. Sorry… suck it up, bro. 

6. Her Spotify Wrapped… or her liked songs in general, tbh

   
   

Please, please, PLEASE look at her Spotify Wrapped. Because you will find that the manipulation you thought was already clear in her favorite films is now screaming at you in her top song, “I Wanna Be Adored” by the Stone Roses. Wait, it's actually not the actual song, it's in fact a cover by some post-punk noise-pop Danish Duo called the Ravonettes. She loves them, actually. Her top artists were Elliot Smith, My Bloody Valentine, and Pavement. She swears that “Moon Song” by MBV is their best song, but you know it kind of just sounds like a bunch of noises.

7. She has only three really close friends and swears her teachers are her friends… especially that one (yk who u are)

When you start talking to her, you'll notice that she only really has three best friends. She couldn't find any other best friends in her grade because she and her blonde and Wasian girlfriends are too closed-off for anyone else… so she had to search for some in the grade below, and found a boy who tolerates her annoying interests. She loves him. She also thinks that nobody is cooler than them, besides maybe herself. Because of this, I’d honestly give up on trying to get her to think you're cool. On the rare occasion when her friends aren’t at school, she bothers her teachers, who she swears love her. For some reason, when she brings this up, they get really uncomfortable…?

8. She never brings a backpack to school because it ruins the fit

If you notice that she refuses to bring a backpack to school, she’s definitely manipulative deep down. She truly believes that it's making her outfit ugly, even though she complains about her shoulder hurting from carrying around her book bag all day. Nonetheless, she believes that her fits are far more important than her shoulder hurting. Her persona must persist.

9. She started Poetry Club (join guys)

Dude, seriously, do I need to say more? Just read the title of this one. If you don't understand what I’m saying, she thinks that poetry is one of the most beautiful things created, and so insufferably tries to make her friends write it with her. She forced her best friend to start the school’s poetry club with her, and when no one joined, she thought, “Why does no one take poetry seriously? It’s youthful!” For a Valentine’s Day gift, she’ll want to write a poem for you… And then when you have a mundane reaction, she’ll probably say you just don’t get it.

10. She’s very self-aware and loves to make lists about herself for everyone to get to know her. ;)