“The Only Thing We Have to Fear is Fear Itself”: Lies!

A list of everything that I am scared of. 

1. The Phantom of the Opera.

In the movie, there’s this scene where the masked musical genius and Christine are under some building — or in some kind of aesthetically-pleasing, well-lit, spacious sewer (I can’t remember, and I’m too scared to check) — and, for some reason, I found this extremely disconcerting. The guy’s masked face looked especially shiny and elusive, and it didn’t sit well with me. Also, I didn’t know it at the time, but the entire reason the male lead wears a mask is to hide his disfigured face, so, essentially, I have been scared of this guy’s biggest insecurity for the past decade. Wonderful.

2. Debt, having a credit card, taxes, and anything that pertains to money.

I have yet to understand how the stock market works and, even better, I’ve developed an acute fear of having debt, a bank account, and managing my money. I say this as though I have more sources of income that aren’t just taking out my neighbors trash bins every Tuesday night, and then taking them back in on Wednesdays. 

I think I’m just scared that I’ll spend all my money on gratuitous things, but because of this fear I have, I’ll end up only spending money on necessities and, therefore, never indulge. Balance and budgeting are evidently beyond my understanding. 

3. Joint pain. 

4. Life of Pi. 

This movie was incredibly depressing to watch as a six-year-old. I felt bad for the animals and remember crying in the theater, but I have no recollection of what the plot of the movie was, and I’d like to keep it that way. The only thing I remember about this movie is a band of animals stranded at sea on a shoddy boat (which I think is the scene that prompted me to cry). Similar to The Phantom of the Opera, I refuse to face my fear of this film — it’s just too risky. 

5. Organized sports.

Here’s a fun fact: last year, I was briefly on the basketball and track team — both of which I quit for reasons so immature I can’t even admit them (the Basketball team clapped too much, as a way to show constant encouragement to teammates, and I was, in all seriousness, the weakest person on the track team, to the point where the coach had to lift me up as I did pull-ups). To give sports one last try, I showed up to swimming practice on an extremely early, cold Spring morning and, after an uncomfortable shower in the locker room of a school I don’t even go to, I gave up on my athletic endeavors. 

What did I gain from this experience? Fear. I learned that I’m incapable of receiving a great deal of encouragement and support for my teammates, I can’t run among hundreds of people whom I don’t know and not find that stress-inducing, and I hate locker rooms with a unique, burning passion. 

6. Electric cattle fences.

I didn’t know what these were until my ignorant, gullible self touched one that my grandma uses to discipline her cows. I felt a shock so prominent that calling it painful would be an understatement. Was I electrocuted? It felt like every cell in my body had briefly paused and then started back up again. 

7. Exercising in public

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8. People who did any of the following as a kid: traded Pokémon cards, wore Minecraft paraphernalia, or hissed at people.

Do I really need to explain? If you traded Pokémon cards, you took something so trivial as fictional characters and turned them into some kind of rare currency. If you wore Minecraft paraphernalia, you also made quite the ordeal of how successful you were in survival mode and, to this day, I find you problematic to be around. And if you hissed at people – or if you still do – here is a reminder that you are not a cat or anything feral, but nevertheless scary.

9. Summer camp.

Summer camp — whether overnight, for a day, or for three grueling months — is, in my book, the worst possible way to have kids and adolescents “grow.” The risks are endless: disease, cooties, lice, food poisoning, long-standing greasy hair, toe fungus, wrist pain from all the friendship bracelets, etc. I’ll never forgive my parents for sending me to that god-awful UCLA Bruin day camp, which I remember attending only for a week. I vaguely recall the camp counselors’ names — which were not indeed their real names, but funny pseudonyms to playfully maintain their privacy — and I am still annoyed with myself that I never questioned who these young people were, presiding over us, clad in UCLA merchandise, smelling strongly of chlorine. 

10. Websites that ask to use your “cookies” (whatever those are). 

11. Driving/getting my license. 

If I were to get my license — to pass all the tests and swiftly go through all the useless formalities that come with operating a vehicle — I would still find a way to crash. Believe me. Not to mention, you have to rely on other people’s common sense in order to drive — it’s a group activity, one that was made for individuals who don’t prefer to work independently. I don’t think I can entrust the general public with my life so casually, so I’ll gladly resort to walking. 

12. People who eat banana splits.

Banana splits are positively disgusting and to enjoy them raises questions about the quality of your taste buds. Not only is this American invention a sugary abomination, it occasionally is adorned with Maraschino cherries (!) and, to make matters worse, nuts! Bear in mind that, in addition to the cherries and nuts, ice cream, chocolate syrup, caramel syrup, whipped cream, and pineapple are all key aspects to this atrocity. It’s a heart attack, a threat to your blood sugar and senses, disguised as a delectable American confection. 

13. Computer viruses.

14. Escalators. 

I once got my shoelace stuck in the gap between the ground and a moving stair and, for the few seconds that I tried to pull my leg free, I thought I’d lose my foot. Since then, I’ve entertained wearing Velcro shoes to the mall and other colossal buildings that run on large, steel machines. 

15.  Elevators.

Boxes that travel up and down between walls, solely controlled by buttons that could easily malfunction at any given moment, serving practically the same purpose as those terrifying escalators — need I say more? The fear speaks for itself.

16. Justice (the store).