The Real Oscars

After a relatively bland ‘Biggest Night in Hollywood,’ New Roads Senior Isabella Carbonari gives out her own awards…because sometimes the Academy just doesn’t cut it.

Sunday, March 12 marked the most important night in the film industry…and the most predictable. Without a fight on stage to spice up the event, the 2023 Oscars fell a little short entertainment-wise, while still managing to be absurdly long (as the announcers pointed out over and over and over again). So instead of writing about the results that shocked absolutely no one, except maybe Jamie Lee Curtis, here are the awards that really matter: mine.

Best Speech: Ke Huy Quan

Photo Courtesy of CNN.

Everything Everywhere All At Once star, Ke Huy Quan, celebrates his first Oscar win.

Frankly, I would die for this man. Even though his winning of Best Supporting Actor has been predicted ever since the release of Everything Everywhere All At Once, it didn’t make his speech any less moving. Emotional and sincere, Quan was able to show the audience just how much the award meant to him and how incredible it was that he was standing on that stage. From a refugee camp to his childhood role of Short Round in Indiana Jones to an Oscar win, he is truly a beautiful soul and gave a damn good speech. I teared up a bit, I won’t lie.

Best Dressed: Cara Delevingne

Actress and model Cara Delevingne poses on the carpet in her eye-catching red gown.

Say what you want about her, but Delevingne came to play at this year’s Oscars. Instead of wearing some horribly bedazzled sheer outfit that almost every middle-aged woman on stage seemed to have been forced into, the Only Murders in the Building actress opted for a red Eli Saab dress complete with a ballgown silhouette, leg slit, and dramatic shoulder piece. The style was reminiscent of old Hollywood with a modern flair, aided by classic glamour makeup and dazzling Bulgari jewelry. While her infamous “Peg the Patriarchy” outfit at the 2021 Met Gala had some mixed feedback, no one can deny she looked absolutely stunning at this red carpet event. I may have gasped a bit when she went on stage.

Worst Dressed: Janet Yang

Photo courtesy of Fashionista.

Janet Yang poses for her first Oscars as President of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

To counteract Delevingne’s stunning look there, of course, had to be some horrendous outfits, but Janet Yang definitely took the cake. I have absolutely no clue what possessed the current President of the Academy to wear this metallic sheet of hell to the biggest event of her year, but I visibly winced when she went on stage to promote the new Academy Museum. The neckpiece looks both suffocating and uncomfortably spiky and her pointy silver shoes probably would’ve been more effective as weapons than footwear. Every element of the outfit seemed to be working against each other instead of cohesively, lending to the overall impression of a bejeweled, molten blob.

Best Movie(s) That Didn’t Win Anything: Triangle of Sadness + The Batman

Film posters courtesy of IMDB.

Okay, I get it. Maybe an hour of throwing up was too much in Triangle of Sadness and maybe The Batman was a good hour too long of depressed, sickly-looking Robert Pattinson, but I don’t care. I ate both of those movies up and I’m feeling a little offended by their lack of Oscar wins. I know the Academy was keen on giving Everything Everywhere All At Once every award under the sun (you really had to give them Best Original Screenplay and Best Picture?) but Ruben Östlund created a masterful piece of social commentary that just got better as it went on and The Batman was everything I could’ve hoped for from a DC hero movie. Both movies were carried by some incredible acting performances and amazing camerawork for which they deserved some recognition. I would’ve even accepted something small like Hair and Makeup or Film Editing! Just something, please.

Most Predictable: Best Picture + Cinematography

Photo courtesy of People magazine.

The cast and crew of Everything Everywhere All At Once accept their seventh Oscar of the night: Best Picture.

If you have been following anything regarding the film industry in the past year, you would know that Everything Everywhere All At Once was favored for Best Picture since it was released last March. Critics loved it. The public loved it. And the mysterious panel of the Academy evidently liked it as it was nominated for an absurd number of awards, including all of the top categories, and won most of them (Best Actress, Best Supporting Actor, Best Original Screenplay, Best Supporting Actress, etc.). I almost didn’t watch the end of the broadcast because Everything Everywhere had it so in the bag…and I was tired of listening to the same people give speeches.

While Best Picture may have been predictable to most, I’m adding the Cinematography award because anyone that has seen All Quiet On The Western Front understands that there was simply no possibility of another winner. Think what you will about war movies, this film was one of the most stunning pieces I have watched in my life, and the opening shots alone could’ve won them this Oscar.

One Line Flash Round:

Biggest Upset: Jamie Lee Curtis winning Best Supporting Actress

Angela Bassett’s face said it all.

Most Adorable: Guillermo del Toro

I would do anything to give this man a hug.

Most Badass: Navalny Cast and Crew

Something felt so wrong about Navalny’s family accepting an Oscar while he sits in jail in Russia but good lord do you have to have some balls to make this documentary!

Most Heartwarming Moment: An Irish Goodbye Singing Happy Birthday

This was just so damn cute, even I started singing along!

Most Shameless Plug: Disney

A whole ad IN THE MIDDLE of the Oscars???

Most Uncomfortable Moment: Malala x The Bear

Leave the woman alone, she has been through enough!