What the Hell Does Jimmy Morrissey Do?

Senior Jack Adams shadows the all-powerful Upper School Dean of Students.

Let’s be real. I’m a very loud guy. I have been described as constantly sounding like I’m yelling at someone from the other side of a river. Any day at New Roads you will invariably hear me yell, “Hey a**hole!” “What are you, nuts?!” or “Jimmy!!” As in Jimmy Morrissey, our dean of students. But it was only a couple of days ago, after exchanging our customary “Jimmy!!” greeting, that I realized although I have a generally good rapport with him, I know nothing about who he is and what he does.

Everyone tells me that his job is sooo difficult. I mean, I’ll see him at Town Hall, combing the halls of the school, seemingly stalking the students ditching class (which can get quite annoying). But come on, that’s no job at CVS, and I can speak from experience! You think dealing with kids is hard, try dealing with old women who want their coupon scanned. Even I could do that. So, for my final article in The Jaguardian, I set out to answer the questions: ‘Who is Jimmy Morrissey, what does he do, and could a guy as crazy as me be the dean of students of New Roads High School?’

Let’s set the scene…

I met Jimmy back in 10th grade, when he was still a math teacher. I would unfailingly see him walk into Meeyun’s classroom and ask for a candle. It was a tradition that, let’s be honest, never seemed to make his classroom smell better no matter how much he tried. I mean seriously, I appreciate the effort, but get some Febreeze for god’s sake. That summer, I was reunited with The Morrissey as his Pre-Calculus math student.

After he had me as his student during the summer, his career began to pick up, being promoted to Dean of Students. Coincidence? Yeah, I don’t think so. Yet, I never got so much as a thank you note from him. I’m just connecting the dots here, people. Anyway, so after all this time together, you would think that I should be able to know something about this guy, right? Wrong.

There was only one method I could think of to unlock the depths of this mystery man and his job: Me taking his job for a day. But after word from Jeff Guckert, our Upper School Director, that idea was swiftly rejected. However, after further prodding by your esteemed reporter, Jack Adams, I eventually received a concession. Shadow him for a day, which then became half a day, but that was all I needed. Even better, I got to miss two periods. It’s what I would call a win-win.

My day with Jimmy started off feisty. I tried to barge my way into his Mysteries class, but, apparently, that’s a breach of confidentiality. Yeah, because we all share our deepest darkest secrets in Mysteries. Nevertheless, after Mysteries class, my long wait was over. I walked into his office, to officially begin my day as his shadow.

To be honest, Jimmy’s office shouldn’t even have a door on it. It is constantly filled with a rotating array of freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and seniors moving in and out looking for masks, pencils, and sometimes just a place to hang out. At one point, a couple of kids walked in asking for math advice. Being the Jimmy-in-training that I was, I began helping. I thought I was nailing it until I was told that the math I was doing was incorrect. Hope you did well on your math test, fellas!

After dealing with the festival of students in his office, Jimmy took, what I like to call, one of his “parade walks.” This entails him walking back and forth across the campus, talking to students, teachers, administrators, and everyone within a block radius. It shocked me to see him chat up everyone like he was their best friend.

“Hey, how’s your back feeling?”

“You get more sleep last night?”

“Crypto isn’t going well is it, huh?”

He seemed to know everyone’s name, a fact about them, and what was going on in their lives.

“What the hell do you know about crypto?” I asked him emphatically, “No way you’re a crypto-bro?”

“Look, I learn stuff that students are interested in,” he replied.

Apparently, in high school, Jimmy had this thing where he knew everyone in the school’s name and he’s tried to carry on that tradition at New Roads.

I put it to the test.

“Kid in the black hoodie.”

Named him.

“Green sweatshirt.”

Too easy.

“Guy in brown pants.”

He was in Middle School, but it was no sweat to Jimmy Morrissey.

His job, as he would describe it, is maintaining relationships with everyone in the high school.

But there’s no way this guy is this squeaky clean. I mean, even Mother Theresa had some negatives! I searched through his computer. The only thing remotely damning I could find was a fantasy football roster which was filled with shall I say, some terrible draft choices. His cabinets were filled with Brene Brown autobiographies, books on kindness, and manuals on leadership. But this snooping wasn’t enough for me.

I needed to interview him and ask him the hard-hitting questions that would satisfy my investigation. I told him to fill in the blanks:

“Stop the…”

“Steal,” he responded.

“Count the…(votes)”

He was stumped.

“Feel the…”

Again. Clueless. “It’s Bern Jimmy! Bern!”

“Interesting how you only knew the MAGA slogan, Jimmy. I’ll make note of that.”

“Favorite deli?”

“Bay Cities”

“How would you describe your job, in 5 words or less?”

“Give support”

After all the harassing questions I subjected him to, Jimmy said something that struck me as very sincere and profound.

“The reason I have this job is because I loved high school so much…The support I had was why I became the person that I am today.”

My probing had come to an end. And I was left with a reality that contradicted my whole premise. That maybe, with the exception of a few slogan missteps, Jimmy Morrissey is actually a pretty good person and damn good at his job. And that maybe, having to remember all of our names, and talk to all of us constantly is a little more challenging than I anticipated. Maybe, for the first time in the short history of A lil’ Jack on The Side, I was wrong. Eh, maybe not.