What Makes a Real Housewife

A patriarchal housewife is one who provides for her family; a Real Housewife tries to go long before seeing their children. 

The Real Housewives franchise, part of our overly saturated reality TV landscape, depicts the lives of elite, wealthy women whose days consist mostly of shopping, fighting, and drinking. With 57 spin-offs ranging from the original Orange County to cities like Atlanta, Dubai, and Beverly Hills, the housewives, although living drastically different but equally dramatic lifestyles, share one thing in common: an extravagant existence far removed from the average household. If you’re wondering what it takes to be a Real Housewife, just know that it’s more than unemployment and regular visits to the esthetician. In fact, there are certain commonalities that define your housewife status, but what are they? (Hint: It takes more than just monthly checkups at your estheticians). 

1. In a fire, most mothers run to save their children, but the housewives’ instincts might surprise you.

   
   

When you’ve turned your children into media-trained TV personalities and essentially sold their childhoods for the sake of a reality TV show, your relationship with them is bound to get complicated. The housewives’ solution? A teacup-sized dog to serve as their new “child.” From constant Instagram posts of the housewives working out with dogs lounging nearby, to Atlanta Housewife Nene Leakes declaring, “Playa is a real human being, he’s doing great,” it’s hard not to wonder when they last spent meaningful time with their actual children. At the very least, they’re boosting the economy by keeping goldendoodle breeders in business.

(Image reprinted from People Magazine)

Lisa Vanderpump RHOBH with her hoard of Pomeranians.

2. Alcoholic beverages must be in hand at all times of the day!

   
   

The lack of water shown across all franchises of the housewives is beyond concerning. Most housewives opted for something of an unnatural color or odd fermentation. But one thing for sure is that they will have a drink in hand, and they get creative with them, too. Orange County housewife Vicki Gunvalson is known for her somehow successful bacon-infused vodka, which she named “’bloody piggy.'” In fact, alcohol consumption is so characteristic of the Housewife Life that sixteen US housewives have active collaborations with alcohol brands. Lisa Barlow, a Real Housewife of Salt Lake City, owned and operated a liquor company, despite identifying as a Mormon. After a few years of launching, her company accrued three lawsuits and $400,000 in debt, in addition to $105,954.16 in an alleged lawsuit for an unpaid loan.

3. Charity events turned into an intervention.

   
   

One thing about the housewives is their inability to host a drama-free social gathering, a problem that only seems to escalate during charity events. A prime example was Vicki Gunvalson’s charity event at Knott’s Berry Farm, intended to raise money for cancer survivors in light of her boyfriend’s diagnosis. The event quickly devolved into a confrontation, with OC housewives Shannon Beador and Meghan King Edmonds accusing Vicki’s boyfriend of lying about his cancer diagnosis. Another catastrophe that came out of a charity event was the notorious Jersey Country Club brawl in season two of the RHONJ,  a cancer charity event that was taken over by the rising tensions of the housewives’ co-stars all season. It escalated into a chase around the event with hair pulling and ended with a police report filed.

(Image reprinted from Bravo Magazine)

Photo of real housewives of Orange County debating medical records. 

4. The Pursuit of Crime  

   
   

Divorce, fraud, business disputes, and vengeful ex-best friends—these are just some of the reasons why the Real Housewives often find themselves in a courtroom. Legal drama has become an essential plotline on the show, with at least one housewife always facing some kind of legal battle. Most of the time, their mugshots are from DUIs, which have practically become an initiation rite for the cast. However, on special episodes, they often find themselves arguing about taxes and fraud. The most infamous case involved Teresa Giudice, a New Jersey housewife, who was accused of fraud multiple times and became the first housewife to serve time in prison. This marked a dramatic shift from the usual bail-and-release pattern that viewers were used to seeing with other housewives. Following the trend of imprisonment was Jen Shah, Salt Lake City housewife who was found guilty of multiple counts of fraud. According to Vanity Fair, “On March 30, 2021, while filming an episode of The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City, Shah was arrested on two counts related to running a national telemarketing scheme that targeted the elderly and computer illiterate people.” The housewives continue to add true crime into the genre of reality TV.

(Image reprinted from Vanity Fair Magazine)

Jen Shah at court hearing.

5. “My life is so busy” syndrome.

   
   

If you’re not actively sitting on your couch while saying you are so productive and busy, then you aren’t a housewife. Between running back and forth to pick up their kids from school to going to Bravo cast reunions, the real housewives insist that the busy schedule they have trumps any conventional workday. The perfected look of constantly being on-the-go is in style for them all year round. As they explain, despite the constant stress of being “stretched thin,” they somehow continue to find a way to dramatize their lives. It’s a talent, really. 

After seeing this hard-hitting criteria of what makes or breaks a housewife, just know to never give up on your dreams. In the future, you could see yourself juggling lawsuits and children (not without your nanny, of course). True talent is making something that seems so mundane like a housewife into a multi-million dollar industry, ripe with an endless supply of spin-offs and unparalleled chaos.